FUCKING GOD DAMN HELL WITH THIS ART SHIT

There are days when I feel that art is dead. Like today, for example.

After years of struggle, one often loses the drive or desire to create anything. The struggle to learn the craft ie: piano etc... The struggle to discipline oneself for much needed practice. The dedication, stamina, sacrifice, and plain old hard work can vanish from memory. Some days I forget what I've put myself through to learn how to really play this instrument. To refine my perspective and communication skills as best I can, without much help. To squeeze in 10 hours per day of practice and pay the rent! No fucking way!

Envy is evil and all too present in the creative struggle. To see those who receive help and then hit it big only to think it's all because of them can be quite frustrating. I've been working on avoiding those kinds of thoughts and keeping a positive attitude towards this, but some days it's virtually impossible. I feel tired. I feel worn out. Inspiration is lost. Artistic drive dwindling by the day. I cannot create and have nothing to say.

Witnessing what the public reacts to these days really gets me thinking if art has any place in the modern world or if it is my perspective of art that has become distorted and overloaded. Perhaps I've got it all wrong. It can't be completely true! There are many great works that I like and that are valued by a large global community over time. Confusion and chaos. It's all becoming one to me. Black to me. 

Or maybe I'm simply stuck in some antiquated form of art, more specifically music. I feel antiquated and out of touch. I feel as though my work is of no importance and the enjoyment I get back is hardly there anymore. Is it time to move on? Do any of you feel this way about your own work or personal struggles?

Perhaps it is time I look for something else to do. After all satisfying my  selfish desire to create art in hopes of making a connection with someone out there is not really a noble life. When the world is in such a state of disgust, unrest and despair, why would art mean anything? Political art is not art. It is even more of a selfish ego-satisfying display of bullshit, using the political motive as a means to draw attention to the art as opposed to the work existing on its own. It's saying "Look at me, I'm important" To me there is no art in that. This isn't a 'what is art' post so I'll save that for another.

All I know is the day to day struggle that we all face on many different levels is part of the equation. There can be no good without evil. No sunshine without mud filled fields of shit and rotted corpses.

I see blackness, if I see at all.