PUSH ON THROUGH

I vaguely remember a saying that has something to do with pushing through to the other side, whatever the other side might be. It isn't something that I'm entirely familiar with and now I am knee deep in a seemingly unending pit of shit. For a brief moment I thought I had a goal to look forward to and work towards. Now I am seeing black again. BLACK BLACK BLACK BLACK BLACK every-fucking-where. Sometimes I want to reach inside my skull and squash some brain matter between my fingers. Maybe that can help with the fucking anguish. Oozing bits of bloody neurotic tissue or maybe one great big smash and it's all over.

It's quite amazing how easily one's personal life can fall apart. Things that seemed strong or solid just fade or snap like a piece of mother fucking balsa wood. Then you look back with that horrible evaluative eye and feel a sense of total worthlessness. Was every god damn decision a mistake? Was I so poorly raised that I have been unable to function confidently our society for my entire life?

Played a decent gig this past friday with trio and company and got good and fucking wasted. That is the only way to be anymore.

Things are looking up...no wait, totally not! Looking down I'd say in this grand cycle of utter ludicrous life. There was song, poetry, art as gifts from the universe to humanity and vice versa. That was a glorious time mentally for this individual as it seemed that there was promise of something...anything. Now there is only lies...

NEW YORK

To a New Yorker the city is both changless and changing.
-E.B. White

THE BRAIN

Still working hard on this script. First draft done and now refining everyday. This will/can go on all the way until production. How will I get this movie made is the big question. There are many avenues that need to be explored. Most important is too find a producer(s) into making small, dark pictures. It is FAR from perfect but I am feeling accomplished with the completion of such a feat. I'll feel even better after the film has been made!

I'm not really sure why I want to make movies, but something compels me to try. My brain has been feeling alright since nearing the final process of this script. The brain is certainly an amazing entity and I find life for me to be most stable when I am working on a civilized project. It might even just be the process and not a goal, but setting goals gives way to the process - right?

My brain is still longing to be busier with good stuff and so I hope that I can get to that point in life somehow and sooner than later...

MUSIC SUCKS NOW

The other night I noticed a billboard for a radio station here in NY, 96.3FM, which used to be a commercial classical music station that I grew up listening to and so did my dad. It now plays some kind of Salsa music.

Although I am guilty of not listening to the station over the past years and I feel that all they were playing was Mozart, and that they, like most radio stations killed themselves in a desperate attempt to attract more listeners...I'm still saddened by this billboard. It is simply another sign of the decline of Western creative music. Many people will rejoice, I'm sure. In fact, most probably will since people think of "Classical" music as some kind of background lightweight bullshit. It is only ignorance that breeds this notion, of course. What a bummer.

As a musician for the past 20 years trying to play and compose music of a refined type I can say that it is no surprise. Music like Jazz, Classical, hard core ethnic and folk music is in such a minority these days and only diminishing that it has rendered most of the work I have done useless and meaningless.

I'm all for popular music (and that is anything other than what I'm talking about because when someone says to me they went to hear some underground band and I ask them where, and they tell me at some venue that holds 500-1000 mother fucking people then I cannot consider that underground when a famous Jazz club holds 150 for example)...Please. I'm so tired of this and no longer voice my opinion. In fact, I don't care to discuss music for the most part and usually just nod my head and go along with whatever.

My musical experience has got me so down that I don't care to go hear anything anymore except classical, so I'm obviously biased and my opinion is strong in the negative way.

I still have a letter I wrote to WQXR thanking them for providing a place where I could listen to some great music and the letter they wrote back, along with a baton they gave me. I was a kid and so grateful.

So long WQXR. You were a big part of this city and another link to the past gone...

KAZAN

So it's been awhile since my last post. Been a crazy month working and traveled to California and back for a video job. Fortunately, before I left I went to see On The Waterfront at the Film Forum with a good friend. The experience was so awesome that it kept me going during the grueling West coast gig. I've seen the film many times, but never on the big screen. My father used to speak so highly of it when I was a kid and so when I finally reached the right time in my life I began watching films that I remembered my father talking about. On The Waterfront stood out among them, just as he described. Sometimes I wish my father was still around to discuss things with. God damn it that really stinks, but at least I'm able to check the shit out here in NYC.

Everything about that film is intense and so well crafted. Superb script. Superb acting. Superb cinematography. Superb score by Leonard Bernstein and so on. And, of course, Kazan's direction is without a doubt an historical moment in cinema. I won't get into all that McCarthy era crap as I prefer to think about the work, since that is what survives in the end.

In the early 50s there was quite a bit of greatness going on in American cinema...Sunset Boulevard comes to mind as a masterpiece. Billy Wilder was able to work that Hollywood machine and the production value of that film shows it.

On The Waterfront, however, is a gritty portrayal of life on the docks in the mob controlled union. Most of us know the picture so I don't need to go into details. I only need to express my gratitude that the picture exists. The black and white pictures are so fucking slamming to look at. I miss black and white sometimes. Although I love color I feel that black and white often leaves things more open for interpretation and my brain connects with this.

It is undoubtedly a powerful piece with many levels of expression and I think it is even better than Streetcar Named Desire. Streetcar is also an amazing movie, but for me On The Waterfront goes down as that all encompassing marriage of human art forms that make for a truly sincere and deeply moving film.

TELEVISION??

I'll admit to watching TV here and there. Mostly at night since I can't sleep or just to go mentally numb so I can get to sleep. If there isn't a film I'm interested in on TCM or IFC I will usually end up on syndicated sitcoms or cartoons. I prefer the older ones, but I take what I can get. As a kid who grew up in the late 80s (and a tiny piece of the late 70s), I have watched my fair share of television - a whole lot of it!

My father was in the television news business as a film editor for CBS channel 2 here in NYC on W57th street. I remember going to his job occasionally and how much everyone liked him there. However, he absolutely hated the news biz. He used to tell me how it went from news to shit in one decade. Of course, we all know what it has blossomed into now. The talking heads that are so full of themselves they make me want to throw up.

Recently I made the awful mistake of switching on an interview on The Today Show on NBC. Herman Leonard, a photographer who had spent a good chunk of his life taking pictures of Jazz musicians was on. I'm talking about really incredible photos and he was a lover of the music and a lover of great creative beauty in general. So there he was sitting next to Ann Curry and company discussing his work. Keep in mind this was the first time I have ever seen any kind of real artist on a morning news program. They're usually so busy with the fucking indie rock idots or popular crap or fake hip hop and r&b or michael buble and chris botti as representative of Jazz, some bullshit country music or some author that oprah approves or some other kind of simpleton culture killing crapola. Anyway, I was curious to hear what he would say about his experiences and it was network TV so I was curious about how it would go down.

What happened was kind of fucking amazing in one way and totally depressing in another. Mr. Leonard didn't dumb down one word out of his mouth. He spoke eloquently and remained focused on his passion for Jazz and all those pictures he captured over the years. It was very cool to listen to him and feel his positive energy and attitude towards culture.

The questions coming out of the show hosts were so stupid I almost fell down laughing. At one point Mr. Leonard spoke about some prints that he had salvaged in New Orleans during Katrina and one of the girls (I forget her name) asked "Wow, so those prints must be worth more than the negatives, right?" Mr. Leonard brushed it off and was like "Well, not more than the negatives." It is difficult to articulate here, but it was absurd - trust me.

The best part for me really was how they couldn't keep up with his level of thinking, intelligence or feeling. He was simply out of their league and watching the juxtaposition before my eyes was almost reassuring...Except that those talking heads are taken so seriously, paid so highly, and very few people know who that elegant being sitting next to them is. Still I considered it a sort of triumph in a weird way. I'm always amazed how culturally devoid "important" people on television are. What do they do as they travel around the world, cover stories about humanity's hardships and contributions? Do they even pay attention to any of it?

AND, would I really want to see more interviews of artists on that program?? Hell no!! That shit is so embarrassing to watch that I wouldn't want to pair something good with that bullshit. It would be like eating a grilled cheese without any cheese.

Or is it simply that my perspective and definition of culture isn't relevant anymore? Maybe there just isn't any more room for it.

And, of course, it is only for the know I guess, but I never seem to understand my feelings about that. If everything was like Mr. Leonard than what would be so magical about it, but at the same time it sure would be nice if a few more people in the world shared that civilized slice of the universe...

ALRIGHT

Managed to get a little script work done last night...Phew that shit is fucking challenging. I mean, challenging to stay on track. I now have to wait until after midnight some days when all the bullshit slows down so I can concentrate. Man, if I had a studio or office to work in that would rock!

I love to eat at night, too. For some reason I prefer food late night. I love to drink late at night also. I love to drink. I love to get wasted and smashed and go with the flow of that rubbery feeling.

I like not drinking sometimes, too. When I take a day or two off from the booze I have more energy in the day sometimes so I can crank through the bullshit.

Today I must write! I have to finish this script and then make this film somehow. I'm sure I'm gonna end up making this thing on my own in everyone's spare time. The process will suck. Still, it has to happen.

Gig tonight...duo with Tony on drums...just making up shit as we go along...

Time for a quad latte to BLOW MY MIND!!

I just have to figure out the rest of the puzzle...

MOTIVATION IS HARD TO COME BY

Jesus fucking christ I can't seem to conjure up those feelings I used to have. I was a workaholic when it came to my art and creative projects. I used to work around the clock. I put more hours into it then any full time job I ever had...And that was often while working a full time job. I've had all kinds of jobs - deli, bakery, gas attendant, driver, auto parts, landscaping, endless retail bullshit, record stores, book stores, trash cleaning, painting, and many more that I don't care to remember. I'll have to save the job thing for another blog.

These days I'd rather slump into the bottle and travel to oblivion. The drive, desire, imagination...it's all gone, or at least hard to see right now. Seems the older I get the less I care. So many people going around taking themselves so seriously and shamelessly promoting...SIGH...I suppose that's the way you gotta do it, but I just can't. I can't go around thinking I'm some kind of special or unique creation and pontificate about it to someone who might, for example, give me a gig somewhere. And ass-kissing doesn't work for me either. It has never been a forte of mine.

Getting back to the matter at hand...I can find balance when I'm working on something creative like composing tunes for a record or writing my movie script, but I also gotta pay the bills - right? Doesn't everyone? (well maybe not everyone) So I get caught up in my desperation to find money. Make money. Figure out money. I have never been able to earn much, but I seem to keep going somehow and I don't live on peanut butter sandwiches anymore. Now it's gourmet ramen noodles - fucking kidding.

My eyes get so tired in front of the computer, but that is where I am most of the time. Most of the work I am able to do requires the computer. Then on my free time I want to work on my script, which also requires the computer and so on.

As for finding the inspiration (I guess that's what it is) I'm really at a loss. The frustration that comes as a result of a restless brain not being used is often painful and downright maddening. I have lost my desire to make records so I don't see that happening anytime soon, but I was working on this film and that was very satisfying, but I haven't been able to touch that script for almost two weeks straight. The more time one spends away from the creative project the more time one will keep spending away. It's like practicing the piano, for instance, I used to practice. Lately I don't give a shit so I don't touch the piano at home anymore. Well, I touch it for like 30 seconds then I remember the circumstances surrounding my professional music experience and the joy just gets fucking sucked right out of there.


I hope to get back to work (and I mean the real work, not the kind that earns me the little bit of dough) soon because I really can't take it anymore...

SAME OLE SAME OLE

Being a musician sucks. What a fuck up I am. What the fuck did I do to my mother fucking life?

PATRONAGE

You know I love music. Unfortunately since I've been living it I don't enjoy going to hear it much anymore. It's not the musicians or the music, but the venues. Since they have never given me the time of day or had the decency to answer another man who's putting up the fight for music and art I feel like an asshole every time I step inside a place. I cannot justify giving them my money after such treatment. I understand they need names to fill seats and to make money, but they could at least treat me like a person and not a fucking idiot.

Who cares about one man? I do. It's for me that I must hold to my belief system because after all, what else does a man have?

Perhaps I might feel differently down the road, but for now I do not want to set foot in anymore Jazz venues in NYC. I was a loyal customer for a time, but now it just seems like I'm making an ass out of myself by giving them my money, love or support...

Fuck that.

<<<>>>>

AAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHDIE!!!

A ROUGH WEEK

Phew, it was a rough week in my little musical universe. Some tough gigs and a lot of negative energy surrounding them. I received a facebook invite from Small's Jazz to become a fan of Small's Jazz Club...Umm, I don't think so. Can you imagine? Here is a venue that has repeatedly ignored my requests to perform there for the past decade. They must have about 20 of my CDs floating around. More ego maniacs running the Jazz community here in NY.

I will play the piano in my living room and grateful for my weekly gig at Domaine Wine Bar.

Fortunately I am no longer actively pursuing music on the professional level. My sanity will thank me down the road. Since I am an artist, however, I must remain creative in order to keep my brain from decaying and ceasing; and falling victim to the dumbness of popular culture. I am going to make a feature film. It will be a monumental task that will require an enormous amount of energy, but the thought of it is thrilling.

I am thankful for the friends and kind people around me during this personal breakdown. It has been a bad year, mentally. Things will come around. It's always cyclical in nature, right?

FEELING A BIT CRAZY

I guess it's possible that I am actually losing my mind, but I hope not. I'm having strong feelings of hate, death, anger, and pain. Letting go of my musical pursuit and endeavors has been like something dying inside me. I remember when i was 23 and I first got a piano and thinking this is incredible! All I wanted to do was practice and practice to try and figure out the puzzle. So many people around me told me it was a bad idea and that it's too late for me to learn. Well I took that shit all the way to the top. I learned how to really play that fucker.

Those feelings have since faded. The truth is that I don't enjoy sitting at that thing anymore and the business and Jazz community has destroyed my ambitions. I self-produced some albums, depleted funds and resources doing them and drove my wife crazy trying to finish them as well.

I can't predict the future of how I will feel, but right now I am no longer putting any effort into this. I have a few obligations to finish out and I'll keep doing my local wine bar hits to chill, party and have a good time. Other than that I want nothing to do with this business anymore. I don't want to sell the Steinway, but I'm also not sure if I can justify keeping it if I am no longer a real piano player. That is more pain for the coming months.

I am in the middle of writing my feature script, which is largely autobiographical and about being a musician. It will be a very personal and small film and the only reason I'm doing it is because I want to! Now that's a god damn good reason!!

As for the music business, well I don't need the pain. Today I was screaming at the top of my lungs as I was riding my motorcycle up 1st Avenue. I wanted some of those drivers to fucking die. I'm amazed at how fucking dumb some people are. I can't believe they're allowed to drive at all. It's pretty sad.

That is it for my uplifting blog tonight.

Later...

THE WORK THAT NO ONE SEES

Now, a lot of you are probably wondering... why Jerry isn't with us tonight. Well, I'll tell you. The fact is he's tied up. I'm the one who tied him. Well, I know you think I'm joking... but, believe me, that's the only way... I could break into show business... by hijacking Jerry Langford. Right now, Jerry is strapped to a chair... somewhere in the middle of the city. Go ahead, laugh. Thank you. I appreciate it. But the fact is, I'm here. Now, tomorrow you'll know I wasn't kidding... and you'll think I was crazy. But, look, I figure it this way. Better to be king for a night than schmuck for a lifetime. Thank you. Thank you.

-Rupert Pupkin, King Of Comedy 1982

DISCIPLINE

Finally working on something of value again. Setting deadlines for myself to finish my current feature film script. Gonna film it myself, since there is no help to be found in my universe to make my art. Fuck it!

Still feeling bad about all the time wasted on music. All the dedication to the piano...But at least I learned it; And I wasn't sure I would've been able to do that back in those days, with all the people around me telling me I'm crazy to start so late and all that bullshit.

Now I know that my lot is to do it myself and that is why it has taken me so long. I had to learn it all!!

There comes a time in a man's life when he must realize certain things. I cannot put all that time into the music biz only to play in my living room....And I'm not earning any dough in the meantime!!! So then if I'm not earning any dough I'd better be doing something towards a greater goal. Unfortunately the piano is not going to work. I love the piano...always will. Damn that fucking thing to hell!! It really is a marvel of my culture...That is Western culture's great side. To all the thinking men of the past that have helped to perpetuate the collective intellect...That does somehow keep going.

What about gigs?

Well, that's easy...Fuck em! Except for some good vibes and partying like my weekly hit at the Wine Bar and playing with friends in crazy projects. I could give a shit.

No one gets back to me. I follow up to no avail so whatever. Let some student playing brunch music go for it.

Haha...that's a good one. Gigs. Yeah, well...if there are some to be had perhaps I'll do it. But staying in top form only in hope of landing an important gig is ridiculous!!!! Fucking ridiculous!!

But with some discipline I might be able to pursue something. Anything. A way to express or create in my life without feeling the wrath of Sisyphus all fucking day...

SENDING TO NOWHERE

I NEED TO GET A LIFE!! SENDING EMAILS TO NOWHERE IS NO WAY TO LIVE AND ONE MUST DRAW THE FUCKING GOD DAMN LINE SOMEWHERE...

THE CAP'N

Y'all know me. Know how I earn a livin'. I'll catch this bird for you, but it ain't gonna be easy. Bad fish. Not like going down the pond chasin' bluegills and tommycods. This shark, swallow you whole. Little shakin', little tenderizin', an' down you go. And we gotta do it quick, that'll bring back your tourists, put all your businesses on a payin' basis. But it's not gonna be pleasant. I value my neck a lot more than three thousand bucks, chief. I'll find him for three, but I'll catch him, and kill him, for ten. But you've gotta make up your minds. If you want to stay alive, then ante up. If you want to play it cheap, be on welfare the whole winter. I don't want no volunteers, I don't want no mates, there's just too many captains on this island. Ten thousand dollars for me by myself. For that you get the head, the tail, the whole damn thing.

-Captain Quint, Jaws 1975

WORKIN

Hello? I forgot my mantra.

from Annie Hall 1975

THANK YOU STEINWAY

Today I rode by the Steinway & Sons Factory in Queens. I was out on a motorcycle ride with my friend Troy and we had to stop and admire its presence. The history of that place is probably overlooked by many, but it remains a fascinating and extremely important part of my universe.

Each day when I play my restored 80 year old Steinway that I am fortunate to own, I have an extraordinary experience. As I have progressed in my skill level it has only produced greater pleasure. My ears thank me. I would eventually like to graduate to a model B, but that would only be possible and justified if I can make a decent career with my music.

When I look at the buildings that make up the Steinway campus I am truly amazed that this place makes musical instruments. A piano no less! It makes me think about industrialization in a whole different way. I see that profit making company with it's modest structures and output and I can't believe what a contribution they have made. They provide a machine that can make music. Something that seems to be the exact opposite of all that is bleak and terrible in humanity.

It may not be a big deal to most people, but to me it is utterly magical to look at that place. I hope they can survive well into the future because there aren't many companies like them left in this crazy world.

Cheers to you Steinway, I'll have a drink...

POSITIVE CHARGE

Today I woke up and challenged myself to remain positive. I have fallen victim to the negative and it has just about consumed me. I'm fortunate to have very good people around me that help me to keep perspective on things. My work (creative) is important to me and so I must continue doing it. Perhaps it might make a connection with someone someday. Now I must also consider the practical side of my work and understand that earning a living from it is challenging and not to be expected so easily.

I must take the challenge and try my hand at different strategies when I go to battle. I am lucky to be able to play the piano and must remember all the good that it gives me. It is a beautiful machine. Music is a tremendous positive force that humans are capable of. I must remember that, too.

I think I'll look forward to seeing my wife or the next tasty meal or spending some good times with friends. That's something to be positive about.

PROFESSIONAL

"A hobby should pass the time, not fill it."
- Norman Bates

THIS MORNING

Blech...

DO I GIVE A SHIT

I keep doing all this stuff. I keep trying my hand at mellowing out the creative part of my mind and body. A challenge, indeed! I think the best way to do it is to have zero expectations and keep climbing this fucking giant mountain.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes I just have to ignore those feelings.

Tasks? A list?

I'm going to make another short film.

I'm going to make a feature film.

I'm going to make some more albums.

I think creative instrumental music was a poor choice for this man. Again with the god damn fucking despair. Blades jumping falling fallen sickening the mind worsens

I have to do everything myself in this life.

Bleakness....Blackness

IS MY MIND WORKING?

I am putting myself to the fullest possible use, which is all I think that any conscious entity can ever hope to do.
-HAL (2001 A SPACE ODYSSEY)

I'M A MUSICIAN...

...but don't want to be anymore. However, I love music and it is in my soul. I feel stuck now that nothing is happening. Have to make it happen. Fuck, how? Madness is inside me! make it stop, stop, stop!! Pain. Anger. Depression. Frustration and despair. How long will this continue? Until I die? Maybe I should let it go. Too much sitting around. Must get out of here. Must escape the ruins of civilization. Fucking bullshit all around me. Plasticized sterility and fucking bastard sons of bitches. Low-level, lethargic masses. God damn, have I become that? STOP BITCHING!! I could be so much worse off.

Welcome home!! Welcome to hell. Welcome to the fucking end!

PRETENTIOUS PRETENSION???

Why is it that as soon as people don't understand something they refer to it as pretentious? AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!

True, there is definitely pretentious stuff out there, but much of what people refer to as pretentious couldn't be further from it. In fact, it's a god damn polar opposite most of the time!

This word "pretentious" has become to easily utilized. It's too liberally applied, like the term genius. As an artist I consider the long and difficult road to expression a deeply soul-searching and spiritual experience, that can help find the truth about my own personal existence as well as have me wanting to kill myself. Looking for honesty, clarity (when possible), emotion, etc...is certainly NOT pretentious.

Why the fuck would someone put themselves through that shit? Swim through a cesspool of ego battling physical and mental exhaustion? To put on a charade? To turn up one's nose and refuse the basic desire of making a connection with someone out there? What a fucking JOKE.

Let us examine the definition of the term:

PRENTENTIOUS - attempting to impress by affecting greater importance, talent, culture, etc., than is actually possessed

So that would imply that the creator of this "pretense" doesn't know what the fuck he is doing. For example, I hardly think that Ligeti's music is pretentious. After all, he was a master at conjuring complicated emotions and capturing a modernity 100 years into the future. He was being true to himself and not giving into compromise.

I think there should be a second definition added:

PRETENTIOUS - One who pretends to dislike something in order to cover up his lack of understanding of it and to protect his ego from honesty and truth.

Motherfuckers...Don't group the good stuff in with that fucking bullshit school art like they have at PS1 all the time or all the poser musicians that don't even know how to fucking play...

HIGH AND LOW

So today I feel a bit better. Don't get it. Music is tough! No it's damn near impossible. Well, not impossible...others do it. Some get lucky I suppose. For the rest of us it's just an endless climb. Got to keep going. Up hill. There must be something at the top. Or maybe on the other side?


Maybe not. Is it really all meaningless?

Absolutely. Totally fucking meaningless.

So why should I bother?

There is no reason why you should.

So what did I do all this work for?

You did it for yourself. You are the only one that can decide what means anything. Only you can bring meaning to an otherwise empty black void.

There must be more.

I'm afraid not. Don't kid yourself. Accept the responsibility of your actions and understand that it affects every particle in the universe.


Gotta practice that damn piano again. Every fucking day I practice, trying to obtain a better understanding of that incredibly abstract device. Unless I don't practice....for weeks sometimes! Arghh!! Now I will try to practice again.

Goodbye.

CREATIVE FUNK

Oh man, it comes in waves. It's cyclic and extreme. I'm talking about some indescribable creative funk. Inspiration is hard to come by. Wait...was I inspired? I watched a Hitchcock and got inspired. Too much work. Man, where did it go? It took off and it's out of sight. I'm looking. Searching. Struggling. Desperate for just a little taste of that desire, drive...that power that seemed ominous and physical. Metaphysical really. It would reveal itself in an abstract truth, then go and make for a fucking good time.

The power of inspiration can keep me going. Then it hides once again and I stare at the keyboard, canvas, paper, computer screen with the blankest of looks. Then depair as a hopeless would-be, once upon a time artist has nothing to say. Emptiness. Yep, an empty bottle. A bottle? A beer perhaps or something to numb the frustration. I'm my own worst critic. I loathe myself. I make myself sick. I disgust myself.

I'm proud of myself and all that I've worked so hard to achieve until now. Still, it hasn't amounted to much in the way of subsistence. I must work harder. I want to practice. I don't want to practice. What for? I have no opportunities. Or at least none that I can see.

I can't find it. Where is it? What is this creative funk. Inspiration, where the fuck did you go? Do I need to ignore it? Move on to something else. The Florida coast in a Hemingway novel. Huh? WTF?

I don't know what's going on. NYC streets. Night falls. Thinking too much. Head spins. A pinwheel. Got to narrow it down and focus. FOCUS!!

I used to be able to...

YEAH

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TO PRESENT IT ANYWAY

So it has been 1 year and 8 months that I've been playing every week at Domaine Wine Bar in LIC, which is 1 stop from Grand Central. Every fucking week I'm there with my regular trio (Adam & Sunny) or a different mix of talented players that make up the music community I'm lucky to be part of. I've only missed a handful and recently I'm there on Tuesdays as well, with a different trio. Now if I miss any my good friend and ultra creative friend Jeremy takes over.

The treatment at the wine bar is not the usual bar/restaurant owner disrespect that has become as much a part of the mediocrity that is New York as are the ugly sidewalks. No, over here the musicians get treated with respect and appreciation for what they do. The crowd, although not always a packed house as I would like it, is often quite responsive to the tunes and we've managed to play some shit that I haven't played elsewhere. In fact, much of the music should probably be in a concert setting; The dimly lit corner of the bar is fine out here in LIC, and the alcohol is always flowing. If this bar was on the "island" it would probably be so compromised and mediocre that the vibe would never be able to really sustain the music.

Our little scene over here at the bar is pretty fucking awesome though. We party as hard as we need to, play some music, and eat some real cheese. The standard is high as it should be. If you don't like it you are free to leave and for those of us who do like it, it slowly builds a nice clientele of like-minded people who all share the same feeling of "Fuck those dumb mutha fucking asshole pieces of shit out there!!!" It's nice to have a place free of the low-level mass that rules the world by quantity.

The funny thing is that as the years go by and my desire to keep up with that ass-kissing bullshit culture over there diminishes, I am finding much difficulty in continuing my quest to bring my music out; To share my work and collaborative efforts with the great musicians around me and present it.

After all, I haven't a place to present it anyway...Although...We'll see what comes next at Ye Ole Wine Bar.

OH YEAH

Listen, you fuckers, you screwheads. Here is a man who would not take it anymore. A man who stood up against the scum, the cunts, the dogs, the filth, the shit. Here is a man who stood up.

- Travis Bickle

ALONG THE RIVER ELBE

I've been out of the country for nearly three weeks and it's always interesting to me how altered my existential perspective gets. Although I long for my home in NYC, I wouldn't mind staying away longer. Perhaps it is the current status of my feelings about my professional life that keep me this way. In anycase, I enjoy the thought of vanishing into some kind of nomadic existence.

There's too much to describe from my weeks in The Netherlands so I'll have to write about it in a different blog.

Many things I always dig about the Euro culture. The food can be had for a bit less (in the real neighborhoods - not the tourist hang) than at home and a notch up in quality, for the most part. The alcohol consumption, namely - BEER!!...is nice and affordable and really fucking tasty! In fact, it's so good that drink it more than wine or hard booze.

My trip here from Holland was an amazing journey through the night, across Germany and into the east. Stopping and passing through Koln, Hannover, Berlin, Dresden and on to Prague, just to name some of the majors. In Berlin my train was split up and half of the train went north to Copenhagen. The other have was set to go south to Switzerland, while my car was coupled to a train of Czech and German cars that would go onto to Moscow, by way of a russian train. Crossing into the east of Europe has been very interesting for me. Walking around the streets of Prague give you a feel of Medieval times, and my fantasies run wild with preconditioned images from paintings, films, and books. I hear the sounds of music from that era as well.

Of course, Dvorak rings through as a central force in later western music and my youth.

The really interesting feeling is when I begin thinking about the hundreds of years before the middle ages that Prague was already a happening city. It is indeed ancient. I arrived by train and so I traveled along the Elbe river in Germany, which forks off into the Vltava river, which flows into the Elbe. As the train snaked its way along the banks of those two rivers I was able to see some ancient castles perched high of the water, literally built on the cliffs. As my train continued along the narrow river, I passed through tiny villages that seemed so quiet. The river valley is very beautiful and I'd love to travel on a motorcycle or bicycle one day.

After a few hours of twists and turns and some cool, small tunnels we were on an extremely modern elevated structure that was just built, and we rolled into Hlavni Nadrazi, the central station in Prague...

SHOSTAKOVICH #5

Indeed one of his most famous pieces Shostakovich's 5th Symphony is an experience never to forget. I had the pleasure of hearing it performed in Nijmegen by a local orchestra. Unfortunately the orchestra was substandard at best. They were struggling with this challenging and mighty mammoth of a piece. The deliberate dissonance that Dmitri so painstakingly placed was unable to be executed. It does make one appreciate some of the great orchestras around the world that pass through NYC. Still, it was impressive to witness an orchestra of part-timers that do this for the love of music and in their spare time, to take on such an ambitious undertaking.

With that aside, I was able to get into moments. Shostakovich was so deeply aware of the harmony thing and his ability to organize the notes for this giant orchestra and reach into his imagination was so movingly expressive. The depth of which his harmony goes is certainly something to strive for as a musician.

The number 5 is a journey of beautiful twists, turns, peaks and valleys, all in the perfect place to keep the listener glued to every note. As he winds us through an absurdly dark and brooding melody of unsentimental sadness (which speaks to me) the piece slowly builds up, with more of the orchestra's colors adding to the richness. Well into the first movement this culminates into a gigantic "FUCK YOU" type of aggressive anger and frustration, but organized into an abstract amalgam that fills my soul.

He plays around and his sense of humor is evident in the second movement, which begins as out as it ends. The third movement is so fucking deep and moving that I don't want to describe it. And the fourth is another big-ass "FUCK YOU" that is amazing and doesn't let you down, right up to the last bang.

Thank you Mr. Shostakovich...

WHERE AM I?

It's always good to step out of one's comfort zone and attempt to gain a new perspective. Here I am in Holland (after passing through Iceland) and, of course, eating my way through the Dutch treats. Tasty as they are I can't help but study the ingredients in everything to compare with products in the US. I will say that there is much less "crap" in their food over here.

I see lots of motorcycles on the road along with the usual lot of cool Euro mini-cars such as the Volkswagen Polo, etc... I dig the driving thing over here.

I'm not working so everything feels more relaxed. I'm sure if I had to work here I wouldn't quite feel this way. The thought of heading back to NYC to my mess of a life over there isn't exactly appealing. The music thing is still in some kind of eternal limbo that renders me unexcited or motivated...whatev. Eternal Stagnation is what I'll call it.

I do miss my street and most of all the CB350. The more time away the thicker the fog becomes and the more I find myself questioning the core of my identity again, which is music. I'll be doing some more traveling around and probably head deeper into the fog and asking myself "Where am I?"

Another Steinway In My Life!

So I had the awesome luck of picking out a grand piano for a friend who will be opening a new bar in the East Village. With the help of my piano doctor, the Baron von Penta, I found a beautiful instrument. I settled on a Steinway L from the late 70s.

It has had all of the teflon removed. A new pinblock has been put in, along with a rebuilt action and brand new Steinway hammers, shanks, and flanges. The hammers and action prep work was done by the Baron himself, who also works on my personal piano. As always, his work is superb.

This piano also looks brand new with a nice hand rubbed black satin finish, a beautiful American tradition. I'm looking forward to playing this thing on a regular basis...

Chestnut/Reed 4Tet DOUBLE PIANO

I recently took a friend up to Dizzy's to hear Cyrus Chestnut (p), Eric Reed (p), Willie Jones the 3rd (d), & Dezron Douglas (b) in a straight ahead Jazz setting. It turned out to be a fabulous set. The double piano quartet setting isn't something one gets to hear too often and I was really diggin' it. Everyone played great from the first note and it was a pleasure to be in a room with such refinement.

I think what I liked most about it was just how fucking honest the music and musicianship was. Beyond that, the dynamics and balance were superb. Each player was sensitive to the other, creating a perfect whole. Willie Jones was so in tune with what was happening. I dislike when I don't hear all the instruments. That is the number one thing that will kill a listener's experience and make for a boring concert.

This group was slamming...

Luck, Accidents, & Nothingness

I'm very lucky to know so many great musicians in my life. If I had the resources I would do a record with all of them. Unfortunately I do not have those kinds of resources. That being said, it's very difficult to get anywhere without contacts or resources, and it does get frustrating at times. I have been playing jazz versions of rock tunes in various trio settings for many years, but I've never been able to get my music out there until recently. Other artists have put that out there because they were able to get the help and then, of course, it becomes their concept. Yeah yeah, whatev. I cannot book my group in real concert settings or find any help from management or booking agencies. I understand the situation. What would be the benefit of taking on a nobody like myself?

Too bad, because I will be starting up a new scene in the East Village with a very nice piano and I'm not going to help anyone. Nope. The only musicians that will be allowed to play will be hand selected by me and mostly part of my own circle that I've come to know over the years.

I can't believe the amount of sleepless nights I spend racking my brain, trying to figure out this game. I hear about and see musicians and groups performing in spaces designed for creative music. I know my trio would fit the bill. I know we're good enough at this point. I suppose I'm just not equipped with the proper skills. Maybe its ass-kissing, which is not my forte. Maybe it's better when you're 20 years old. When I was 20 I was pumping gas and chopping ice, trying to figure out what the fuck was going on and how to pay for my piece-of-shit room that I had in some stranger's house. Fuck my 20s! They were terrible.

So now I'm getting into a better position. My record is dong well. I have a trio that just fucking rocks! I play with other musicians that are awesome and I have a regular hit - soon to be more than one. Hard work is slowly paying off in different ways.

I keep practicing when possible and I'm planning another record with the trio.

In the end there is only luck, accidents, & nothingness. Maybe I'm pointing out the obvious here, but hope, fate, karma and all that shit doesn't mean a damn thing. If it did then all those assholes on television wouldn't exist.

I SHOULD'VE PLAYED THE HARMONICA

OK. So I do love the piano. I love everything about it. The way it sounds. The way it's built. The people who work on them and build them. The way it looks (save for those awful baroque art case things), sleek and low-key and still modern. The fact that one still has to come up with something interesting using those same twelve tones (when it's in tune) - what a fucking challenge! The fact that it's basically a big drum. Indeed, I marvel at that peculiar premiere piano that represents a magnificent high point in music and civilization when Bartolomeo Cristofori built his first one in Italy. I wonder if he had any idea of what influence it would have in the future.

The thing that sucks about it is that you can't exactly travel with it. I mean, you can't bring your own personal piano to a gig so you are basically at the mercy of whatever is at the venue. This can be somewhat uninspiring for us piano players. Often, we don't get to play the instrument we fell in love with. Rather, an altered version of it that sounds and feels either like a toy or plain old trash. Staying motivated and aggressive to hunt for gigs becomes more and more difficult. After awhile I suppose I'll probably give up entirely. Not yet.

So where are the good pianos? Well it doesn't seem like there are too many around. Concert halls, Jazz clubs, museums and a few other places I suppose. Some private performance spaces, too. 

One memory of my father is hearing his voice saying "You should've played the harmonica."

NYC JAZZ VENUE SYNDROME

Unless I'm missing something here the New York City Jazz venue scene is disintegrating, and largely by its own doing. Hmm, articulating this will be challenging as I don't want to give the wrong impression. If any of you out there have ever made a phone call or done the dreaded "drop off" of your latest album to any of these places then you know I'm not insane when I say that the vibe is so unbelievably terrible that you begin to ask yourself "Why the fuck would I put myself through this?" The treatment of musicians by these venue bookers and managers is that of a huge ego trip. While I realize there are too many musicians in NYC, I still feel that these clubs or individuals that represent the clubs often go too far. The level of rudeness by the 20 year old bitch at the front or on the phone is only a symbol of our bullshit, superficial and youth obsessed culture. 

We are immediately spoken down too and treated as if they are doing us the favor; As if the musician is not an important part of the equation. Musicians are to blame as well. With all the schools churning out "Jazz musicians" with large egos and big mouths you have hordes of 20 year olds that will play anything, anywhere without any regard to keeping a standard. Everyone is so fucking desperate for a gig. This is also the reason jazz gigs still pay pretty much the same as the 1960s. Unfortunately, if you don't have that kind of ego and pontification skill level you will most likely be left out in the cold. Talent or creativity plays no part in this scene. Instead we end up with institutionalized, homogenized brunch jazz that you can hear at Blue Water Grill.

There isn't much truth either. No one has the balls to really just tell you that since you are a nobody it will be difficult to get you in. No one listens to your record. How could they? If I had a pile of 300 or so CDs it would be difficult to listen to all of that, right? However, if I was music venue I would have to figure out how to listen because it is the music, after all, that I need to find.

In the venues' defense I will say the rents in this town are so fucking high that the clubs are also desperate to fill seats. That makes sense, but still even when squeezing in some new or emerging talent I see pretty much the same old roster. The clubs have become stale and basically feel dead inside. Perhaps our unregulated capitalist culture has no room for this kind of antiquated music listening space. Each of the major New York venues has something to offer; Jazz Standard, Blue Note, Village Vanguard, Jazz Gallery, Iridium, Smalls, Smoke & Dizzy's (Am I missing any?), but I don't know what kind of profits they are making. I remember overhearing Loraine at the Vanguard one time saying she more often just breaks even.

I'm fine with the fact that they need to run a business and I wouldn't bring any money in, but it's the way I'm spoken to that gets under my skin. The way a 20 year old (who knows nothing about music or life) speaks to me. The frustration level and anger that builds inside me reaches violent levels. The way the person doing the booking hides or blatantly lies to your face.

Perhaps the NYC Jazz Venue scene should rethink it's approach and treatment of the struggling musician. Maybe it's already too late considering just how bland the scene has gotten. It is a complicated issue that no one talks about because of fear of being black listed or hope of getting a gig there.

Whatever happens, at least I tried...

SELL THE STEINWAY?

Indeed, I've arrived at a devastatingly difficult crossroads in my life when I should have thoughts like these. The truth is I cannot seem to justify the cost of owning and maintaining my piano anymore. The monthly payments. The chunk of change missing and added to the debt. No, I'm tumbling further into mental collapse and this great instrument sitting in my living room is a constant reminder of what a fool I have been. It has become painful just to look at.

I no longer see myself as a professional musician since I do not play/perform and am, for the most part, unable to get the music out beyond a few hundred people (many of whom know me personally). My records are huge wastes of money, time, and ridiculously hard work. What's worse is that there are others involved in that hard work as well. This isn't to say that the work itself has no value (i feel they are decent & solid works), rather it doesn't have enough to justify my existence as a "professional" musician. All of those involved in the creation of these albums have done the work with the utmost integrity and to the high standard that I believe in (or used to believe in). This includes not only the great musicians in the band(s), but also the photography, artwork, design, recording, etc...

As I sit here and do my taxes it is frightening what the ratio is of the amount of money spent trying to further my "career" to the total amount earned. It's completely absurd. Looking back at nearly a solid decade of this has me searching for a way out and unloading the piano is a possibility. 

This is nothing new to me; I've had instruments in the past and been forced to sell for financial or other reasons, but none as great as this one. This piano was the first "real" instrument I've owned since dedicating my life to music (which I am slowly un-dedicating). I'm proud of what I have achieved, but it is no match to the sadness I'm experiencing when I look at that piano.

It isn't the ultimate piano by any means, but it is still a nice instrument. The goal would've been to trade up eventually, but if there is no professional work related to it then that is another unjustified goal and expense.

Everything in life is pointless except for the meaning we bring to it ourselves and if that very meaning is no longer enjoyable then the meaning becomes meaningless. As I descend further into this mild madness of sort I find myself having horrible thoughts with extremely violent outbursts that are often frightening. For now they are only thoughts and the drink helps to temper that shit from time to time.

Sell the Steinway? I don't know yet. If I do, it will be a closing of what will probably be the most creative and important chapter in my entire life...

KEITH JARRETT @ CARNEGIE 2009

I went to hear Keith Jarrett at Carnegie Hall last night and his performance was outstanding as usual. At this point in my life I can't explain or describe much about piano, but I will say that his musicality is of the highest standard. Of course, I also enjoy being in the place with him as he is one of my biggest influences. I think there were 6 curtain calls, with folks kicking and screaming for more. He mixed up some atonal improvisations with very harmonious improvisations and a few tunes that we're all familiar with. BRAVO!

I had hoped that it might bring me some inspiration, but sadly it did not. While there were some very deep moments, it was the concert experience that brought me down. A nobody like me has to sit up high and quite far back in the main hall because I cannot afford the $200 ticket price that Keith (Good for him) demands. The sound up there is not very good. The piano just can't project that far and most of the sustain is lost. I mean it's a stretch, even for the mighty Steinway D that he was playing on. I knew it would be, since I've been to the hall a gazillion times over the years and have slowly moved closer to the stage, but I thought it would be a nice overall experience for me and my friends.

The problem for me is that I can hear the person next to me breathing louder than the music and I feel removed from the experience. I can't help but think about that most modern of thinkers and musicians Glenn Gould when he would talk about the antiquated concert hall and outmoded concert experience. That was nearly 40 years ago! I thought of myself as a performing musician feeling that I don't want to hear live music anymore. Perhaps it's true. I definitely prefer to hear music in a small space at least. That hall is just too big in my opinion.

Still, part of me is glad that the house was packed, Keith was there, and that beautiful Steinway was there. I won't be going to hear music in that kind of setting any time soon. If I do feel inspired again to go hear something I certainly won't sit that far back again, if I bother with that great big hall at all...

PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH

Although I have this awesome piano in my apartment (after many years without a piano at all) I see no more reason to practice. I can't find the energy to sit down and work on expanding my knowledge base. Presenting myself with new ideas that might help advance my skills as a musician or just play a tune or two. I feel pretty bad about it some days, but I think it's just not worth the trouble anymore in my life.

Music has brought me so much more grief than joy and I see no reason to torture myself in this way. A certain amount of pain and struggle is worth it if I was able to get my art out there on the professional level. To just keep playing in my apartment or as background in a small bar should only be for fun, since I consider this to be music as a hobby and a hobby is a leisure activity.

As I approach my 36th year I can't help but think I made such a horrendous choice with artful music. I can't believe I went through the motions, including music school. I wasted a lot of time in this life. I mustn't waste any more chasing bullshit. If I don't give a fuck that I play the piano I can't expect anyone else to. I lived on so many peanut butter sandwiches for this crap.

It all seems like some twisted joke to me these days. Why did I do it? I really have no idea. Something compelled me to give it a try. I feel I did pretty well considering. For a guy who didn't begin the piano until age 23 I made some serious progress. I am tired though. I'm tired of maintaining a web presence. What a tedious job that produces absolutely no results. I'm tired of maintaining my calendars. I'm tired of maintaining an email list and sending out mailers (all of which mean nothing). I'm tired of pretending that I'm a professional when I don't pay 1 ounce of my bills from music anymore. I'M TIRED OF PRETENDING I HAVE A CAREER IN MUSIC!!!

There, got that out finally. And articulated it quite well if I may say so myself. Nothing like a little subtlety to express some feelings.

I think I'll go eat that peanut butter sandwich now...

I'M OUTTA HERE

Been awhile...Feeling like shit about the music business. Probably a mistake to have dedicated so much of my life to it. I think it's time to move on and get out while I can. I don't want to be stuck spending my days trying to practice for some shitty background gig. I don't want to be giving lessons out of desperation that has come because of my choice to hang on to a silly pipe dream and have no other way of earning some dough. NO MAN! I need to clean up my act. I need to earn a living and squeeze in some enjoyment time. The piano has brought me down.

I'm sick of playing my music louder and louder. I won't give in to the bullshit that loud music is the only thing people respond to anymore, even though I witness it constantly and have no choice due to the nature of the gigs that I get.

I'll search for another creative outlet. Unfortunately I have to or else live a mental death...A zombie, if you will. An automaton that consumes and produces waste until death. 

I see a light. I can feel it. I see myself being able to do nothing and be OK with it. I feel liberated from the shackles of creativity. I can enjoy the moment. I can feel alive. Perhaps I was misguided in my youth into thinking that art had the ability to make life more enjoyable and communicate great ideas. Maybe on the appreciating end, but not on the creating side. Nope. It's just a burnt out useless waste of huge amounts of energy that is enough to drive anyone to an early grave. There is no middle ground. You either make it; And by make it I mean get into a position to get your work out there and continue doing that work without distraction. Or you're a nobody. Everyone going around self-promoting and hanging on the the idea that they will be able to reach a larger audience and bring their work up to the professional level is fooling themselves.

Don't bother trying to discuss this with the average person, for he only sees bits of work that you managed to get out and not the anguished sweat that has controlled your existence over the years. The frustration, anger, sadness and rage. The labor intensity of it all. THE WORK THE WORK THE WORK!

Any music projects I do from this moment on will be solely for my own enjoyment because I do know how to play and I'm not about to throw that away. Self produced albums? No more. Waste of money. Get me some alcohol! Get me some drugs! Fuck this bullshit existence I say. Let's have fun.

I've been down this road before, but now it is time to for me to wake up. I'm outta here. (At least for awhile)

Charles Griffes composed a piano sonata that I think is killing. More specifically, the second movement from his second piano sonata. The sounds are sad and profound with an introspective feel; Something not to common in today's musical world. I find so much music to be blatantly obvious and of the simple and dumbed down meaningless bullshit. Then again, that is quite obvious and I don't know why I just pointed it out. Maybe I should retract...NO! One is allowed to feel what he feels.

Griffes was from Elmira, New York. Fucking Elmira?!! If any of you have been there it is, to say the least, a throwback. I stopped off there coming back from a gig up in Ithaca one winter and my wife and I were like "Where the fuck are we?" Unbelievably weird, but an interesting experience.

Back to the music, which I'm listening to right now. It has made a serious impact on me and continues to influence my improvisation and composition. One of these days I'll actually get to do a solo piano concert on a qualified instrument in a proper musical setting. 

Griffes didn't have much time to accumulate a large body of work, but what he left is quality. He died from the Flu at age 35 and is buried in New Jersey. 

Worth a listen, especially for any piano players out there. Definitely helps keep me on track as finding inspiration gets more and more difficult with each passing year...

SO LONG HUB-TONE

Sadly Freddie Hubbard passed away a few days ago in California, near his home. He's contributed countless amounts of great music throughout his life and will be missed.

I've been listening to the WKCR 48 hour memorial broadcast of Freddie's music. It has been a wonderful ride with a lot of stuff I haven't heard before. Imagine having recorded enough that a radio station can play your music nonstop for 48 hours without repeating anything. That is, to say the least, an accomplishment and a hell of a lot of work.

Freddie was the composer of one of my favorite tunes and a tune that I play all the time and never get tired of. Little Sunflower is an elegant piece with a beautiful harmonic structure. It's always allowed me to explore new ideas because of its openness and simple melodic line.

Oh the sweet sound! Freddie's trumpet playing and tone will echo well into the future, and thankfully it was preserved on record...The way great music should be.