KEITH JARRETT @ CARNEGIE 2009

I went to hear Keith Jarrett at Carnegie Hall last night and his performance was outstanding as usual. At this point in my life I can't explain or describe much about piano, but I will say that his musicality is of the highest standard. Of course, I also enjoy being in the place with him as he is one of my biggest influences. I think there were 6 curtain calls, with folks kicking and screaming for more. He mixed up some atonal improvisations with very harmonious improvisations and a few tunes that we're all familiar with. BRAVO!

I had hoped that it might bring me some inspiration, but sadly it did not. While there were some very deep moments, it was the concert experience that brought me down. A nobody like me has to sit up high and quite far back in the main hall because I cannot afford the $200 ticket price that Keith (Good for him) demands. The sound up there is not very good. The piano just can't project that far and most of the sustain is lost. I mean it's a stretch, even for the mighty Steinway D that he was playing on. I knew it would be, since I've been to the hall a gazillion times over the years and have slowly moved closer to the stage, but I thought it would be a nice overall experience for me and my friends.

The problem for me is that I can hear the person next to me breathing louder than the music and I feel removed from the experience. I can't help but think about that most modern of thinkers and musicians Glenn Gould when he would talk about the antiquated concert hall and outmoded concert experience. That was nearly 40 years ago! I thought of myself as a performing musician feeling that I don't want to hear live music anymore. Perhaps it's true. I definitely prefer to hear music in a small space at least. That hall is just too big in my opinion.

Still, part of me is glad that the house was packed, Keith was there, and that beautiful Steinway was there. I won't be going to hear music in that kind of setting any time soon. If I do feel inspired again to go hear something I certainly won't sit that far back again, if I bother with that great big hall at all...

PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH

Although I have this awesome piano in my apartment (after many years without a piano at all) I see no more reason to practice. I can't find the energy to sit down and work on expanding my knowledge base. Presenting myself with new ideas that might help advance my skills as a musician or just play a tune or two. I feel pretty bad about it some days, but I think it's just not worth the trouble anymore in my life.

Music has brought me so much more grief than joy and I see no reason to torture myself in this way. A certain amount of pain and struggle is worth it if I was able to get my art out there on the professional level. To just keep playing in my apartment or as background in a small bar should only be for fun, since I consider this to be music as a hobby and a hobby is a leisure activity.

As I approach my 36th year I can't help but think I made such a horrendous choice with artful music. I can't believe I went through the motions, including music school. I wasted a lot of time in this life. I mustn't waste any more chasing bullshit. If I don't give a fuck that I play the piano I can't expect anyone else to. I lived on so many peanut butter sandwiches for this crap.

It all seems like some twisted joke to me these days. Why did I do it? I really have no idea. Something compelled me to give it a try. I feel I did pretty well considering. For a guy who didn't begin the piano until age 23 I made some serious progress. I am tired though. I'm tired of maintaining a web presence. What a tedious job that produces absolutely no results. I'm tired of maintaining my calendars. I'm tired of maintaining an email list and sending out mailers (all of which mean nothing). I'm tired of pretending that I'm a professional when I don't pay 1 ounce of my bills from music anymore. I'M TIRED OF PRETENDING I HAVE A CAREER IN MUSIC!!!

There, got that out finally. And articulated it quite well if I may say so myself. Nothing like a little subtlety to express some feelings.

I think I'll go eat that peanut butter sandwich now...

I'M OUTTA HERE

Been awhile...Feeling like shit about the music business. Probably a mistake to have dedicated so much of my life to it. I think it's time to move on and get out while I can. I don't want to be stuck spending my days trying to practice for some shitty background gig. I don't want to be giving lessons out of desperation that has come because of my choice to hang on to a silly pipe dream and have no other way of earning some dough. NO MAN! I need to clean up my act. I need to earn a living and squeeze in some enjoyment time. The piano has brought me down.

I'm sick of playing my music louder and louder. I won't give in to the bullshit that loud music is the only thing people respond to anymore, even though I witness it constantly and have no choice due to the nature of the gigs that I get.

I'll search for another creative outlet. Unfortunately I have to or else live a mental death...A zombie, if you will. An automaton that consumes and produces waste until death. 

I see a light. I can feel it. I see myself being able to do nothing and be OK with it. I feel liberated from the shackles of creativity. I can enjoy the moment. I can feel alive. Perhaps I was misguided in my youth into thinking that art had the ability to make life more enjoyable and communicate great ideas. Maybe on the appreciating end, but not on the creating side. Nope. It's just a burnt out useless waste of huge amounts of energy that is enough to drive anyone to an early grave. There is no middle ground. You either make it; And by make it I mean get into a position to get your work out there and continue doing that work without distraction. Or you're a nobody. Everyone going around self-promoting and hanging on the the idea that they will be able to reach a larger audience and bring their work up to the professional level is fooling themselves.

Don't bother trying to discuss this with the average person, for he only sees bits of work that you managed to get out and not the anguished sweat that has controlled your existence over the years. The frustration, anger, sadness and rage. The labor intensity of it all. THE WORK THE WORK THE WORK!

Any music projects I do from this moment on will be solely for my own enjoyment because I do know how to play and I'm not about to throw that away. Self produced albums? No more. Waste of money. Get me some alcohol! Get me some drugs! Fuck this bullshit existence I say. Let's have fun.

I've been down this road before, but now it is time to for me to wake up. I'm outta here. (At least for awhile)

Charles Griffes composed a piano sonata that I think is killing. More specifically, the second movement from his second piano sonata. The sounds are sad and profound with an introspective feel; Something not to common in today's musical world. I find so much music to be blatantly obvious and of the simple and dumbed down meaningless bullshit. Then again, that is quite obvious and I don't know why I just pointed it out. Maybe I should retract...NO! One is allowed to feel what he feels.

Griffes was from Elmira, New York. Fucking Elmira?!! If any of you have been there it is, to say the least, a throwback. I stopped off there coming back from a gig up in Ithaca one winter and my wife and I were like "Where the fuck are we?" Unbelievably weird, but an interesting experience.

Back to the music, which I'm listening to right now. It has made a serious impact on me and continues to influence my improvisation and composition. One of these days I'll actually get to do a solo piano concert on a qualified instrument in a proper musical setting. 

Griffes didn't have much time to accumulate a large body of work, but what he left is quality. He died from the Flu at age 35 and is buried in New Jersey. 

Worth a listen, especially for any piano players out there. Definitely helps keep me on track as finding inspiration gets more and more difficult with each passing year...

SO LONG HUB-TONE

Sadly Freddie Hubbard passed away a few days ago in California, near his home. He's contributed countless amounts of great music throughout his life and will be missed.

I've been listening to the WKCR 48 hour memorial broadcast of Freddie's music. It has been a wonderful ride with a lot of stuff I haven't heard before. Imagine having recorded enough that a radio station can play your music nonstop for 48 hours without repeating anything. That is, to say the least, an accomplishment and a hell of a lot of work.

Freddie was the composer of one of my favorite tunes and a tune that I play all the time and never get tired of. Little Sunflower is an elegant piece with a beautiful harmonic structure. It's always allowed me to explore new ideas because of its openness and simple melodic line.

Oh the sweet sound! Freddie's trumpet playing and tone will echo well into the future, and thankfully it was preserved on record...The way great music should be.