PEANUT BUTTER SANDWICH

Although I have this awesome piano in my apartment (after many years without a piano at all) I see no more reason to practice. I can't find the energy to sit down and work on expanding my knowledge base. Presenting myself with new ideas that might help advance my skills as a musician or just play a tune or two. I feel pretty bad about it some days, but I think it's just not worth the trouble anymore in my life.

Music has brought me so much more grief than joy and I see no reason to torture myself in this way. A certain amount of pain and struggle is worth it if I was able to get my art out there on the professional level. To just keep playing in my apartment or as background in a small bar should only be for fun, since I consider this to be music as a hobby and a hobby is a leisure activity.

As I approach my 36th year I can't help but think I made such a horrendous choice with artful music. I can't believe I went through the motions, including music school. I wasted a lot of time in this life. I mustn't waste any more chasing bullshit. If I don't give a fuck that I play the piano I can't expect anyone else to. I lived on so many peanut butter sandwiches for this crap.

It all seems like some twisted joke to me these days. Why did I do it? I really have no idea. Something compelled me to give it a try. I feel I did pretty well considering. For a guy who didn't begin the piano until age 23 I made some serious progress. I am tired though. I'm tired of maintaining a web presence. What a tedious job that produces absolutely no results. I'm tired of maintaining my calendars. I'm tired of maintaining an email list and sending out mailers (all of which mean nothing). I'm tired of pretending that I'm a professional when I don't pay 1 ounce of my bills from music anymore. I'M TIRED OF PRETENDING I HAVE A CAREER IN MUSIC!!!

There, got that out finally. And articulated it quite well if I may say so myself. Nothing like a little subtlety to express some feelings.

I think I'll go eat that peanut butter sandwich now...