SELL THE STEINWAY?

Indeed, I've arrived at a devastatingly difficult crossroads in my life when I should have thoughts like these. The truth is I cannot seem to justify the cost of owning and maintaining my piano anymore. The monthly payments. The chunk of change missing and added to the debt. No, I'm tumbling further into mental collapse and this great instrument sitting in my living room is a constant reminder of what a fool I have been. It has become painful just to look at.

I no longer see myself as a professional musician since I do not play/perform and am, for the most part, unable to get the music out beyond a few hundred people (many of whom know me personally). My records are huge wastes of money, time, and ridiculously hard work. What's worse is that there are others involved in that hard work as well. This isn't to say that the work itself has no value (i feel they are decent & solid works), rather it doesn't have enough to justify my existence as a "professional" musician. All of those involved in the creation of these albums have done the work with the utmost integrity and to the high standard that I believe in (or used to believe in). This includes not only the great musicians in the band(s), but also the photography, artwork, design, recording, etc...

As I sit here and do my taxes it is frightening what the ratio is of the amount of money spent trying to further my "career" to the total amount earned. It's completely absurd. Looking back at nearly a solid decade of this has me searching for a way out and unloading the piano is a possibility. 

This is nothing new to me; I've had instruments in the past and been forced to sell for financial or other reasons, but none as great as this one. This piano was the first "real" instrument I've owned since dedicating my life to music (which I am slowly un-dedicating). I'm proud of what I have achieved, but it is no match to the sadness I'm experiencing when I look at that piano.

It isn't the ultimate piano by any means, but it is still a nice instrument. The goal would've been to trade up eventually, but if there is no professional work related to it then that is another unjustified goal and expense.

Everything in life is pointless except for the meaning we bring to it ourselves and if that very meaning is no longer enjoyable then the meaning becomes meaningless. As I descend further into this mild madness of sort I find myself having horrible thoughts with extremely violent outbursts that are often frightening. For now they are only thoughts and the drink helps to temper that shit from time to time.

Sell the Steinway? I don't know yet. If I do, it will be a closing of what will probably be the most creative and important chapter in my entire life...