FEELING A BIT CRAZY

I guess it's possible that I am actually losing my mind, but I hope not. I'm having strong feelings of hate, death, anger, and pain. Letting go of my musical pursuit and endeavors has been like something dying inside me. I remember when i was 23 and I first got a piano and thinking this is incredible! All I wanted to do was practice and practice to try and figure out the puzzle. So many people around me told me it was a bad idea and that it's too late for me to learn. Well I took that shit all the way to the top. I learned how to really play that fucker.

Those feelings have since faded. The truth is that I don't enjoy sitting at that thing anymore and the business and Jazz community has destroyed my ambitions. I self-produced some albums, depleted funds and resources doing them and drove my wife crazy trying to finish them as well.

I can't predict the future of how I will feel, but right now I am no longer putting any effort into this. I have a few obligations to finish out and I'll keep doing my local wine bar hits to chill, party and have a good time. Other than that I want nothing to do with this business anymore. I don't want to sell the Steinway, but I'm also not sure if I can justify keeping it if I am no longer a real piano player. That is more pain for the coming months.

I am in the middle of writing my feature script, which is largely autobiographical and about being a musician. It will be a very personal and small film and the only reason I'm doing it is because I want to! Now that's a god damn good reason!!

As for the music business, well I don't need the pain. Today I was screaming at the top of my lungs as I was riding my motorcycle up 1st Avenue. I wanted some of those drivers to fucking die. I'm amazed at how fucking dumb some people are. I can't believe they're allowed to drive at all. It's pretty sad.

That is it for my uplifting blog tonight.

Later...