TELEVISION??

I'll admit to watching TV here and there. Mostly at night since I can't sleep or just to go mentally numb so I can get to sleep. If there isn't a film I'm interested in on TCM or IFC I will usually end up on syndicated sitcoms or cartoons. I prefer the older ones, but I take what I can get. As a kid who grew up in the late 80s (and a tiny piece of the late 70s), I have watched my fair share of television - a whole lot of it!

My father was in the television news business as a film editor for CBS channel 2 here in NYC on W57th street. I remember going to his job occasionally and how much everyone liked him there. However, he absolutely hated the news biz. He used to tell me how it went from news to shit in one decade. Of course, we all know what it has blossomed into now. The talking heads that are so full of themselves they make me want to throw up.

Recently I made the awful mistake of switching on an interview on The Today Show on NBC. Herman Leonard, a photographer who had spent a good chunk of his life taking pictures of Jazz musicians was on. I'm talking about really incredible photos and he was a lover of the music and a lover of great creative beauty in general. So there he was sitting next to Ann Curry and company discussing his work. Keep in mind this was the first time I have ever seen any kind of real artist on a morning news program. They're usually so busy with the fucking indie rock idots or popular crap or fake hip hop and r&b or michael buble and chris botti as representative of Jazz, some bullshit country music or some author that oprah approves or some other kind of simpleton culture killing crapola. Anyway, I was curious to hear what he would say about his experiences and it was network TV so I was curious about how it would go down.

What happened was kind of fucking amazing in one way and totally depressing in another. Mr. Leonard didn't dumb down one word out of his mouth. He spoke eloquently and remained focused on his passion for Jazz and all those pictures he captured over the years. It was very cool to listen to him and feel his positive energy and attitude towards culture.

The questions coming out of the show hosts were so stupid I almost fell down laughing. At one point Mr. Leonard spoke about some prints that he had salvaged in New Orleans during Katrina and one of the girls (I forget her name) asked "Wow, so those prints must be worth more than the negatives, right?" Mr. Leonard brushed it off and was like "Well, not more than the negatives." It is difficult to articulate here, but it was absurd - trust me.

The best part for me really was how they couldn't keep up with his level of thinking, intelligence or feeling. He was simply out of their league and watching the juxtaposition before my eyes was almost reassuring...Except that those talking heads are taken so seriously, paid so highly, and very few people know who that elegant being sitting next to them is. Still I considered it a sort of triumph in a weird way. I'm always amazed how culturally devoid "important" people on television are. What do they do as they travel around the world, cover stories about humanity's hardships and contributions? Do they even pay attention to any of it?

AND, would I really want to see more interviews of artists on that program?? Hell no!! That shit is so embarrassing to watch that I wouldn't want to pair something good with that bullshit. It would be like eating a grilled cheese without any cheese.

Or is it simply that my perspective and definition of culture isn't relevant anymore? Maybe there just isn't any more room for it.

And, of course, it is only for the know I guess, but I never seem to understand my feelings about that. If everything was like Mr. Leonard than what would be so magical about it, but at the same time it sure would be nice if a few more people in the world shared that civilized slice of the universe...

ALRIGHT

Managed to get a little script work done last night...Phew that shit is fucking challenging. I mean, challenging to stay on track. I now have to wait until after midnight some days when all the bullshit slows down so I can concentrate. Man, if I had a studio or office to work in that would rock!

I love to eat at night, too. For some reason I prefer food late night. I love to drink late at night also. I love to drink. I love to get wasted and smashed and go with the flow of that rubbery feeling.

I like not drinking sometimes, too. When I take a day or two off from the booze I have more energy in the day sometimes so I can crank through the bullshit.

Today I must write! I have to finish this script and then make this film somehow. I'm sure I'm gonna end up making this thing on my own in everyone's spare time. The process will suck. Still, it has to happen.

Gig tonight...duo with Tony on drums...just making up shit as we go along...

Time for a quad latte to BLOW MY MIND!!

I just have to figure out the rest of the puzzle...

MOTIVATION IS HARD TO COME BY

Jesus fucking christ I can't seem to conjure up those feelings I used to have. I was a workaholic when it came to my art and creative projects. I used to work around the clock. I put more hours into it then any full time job I ever had...And that was often while working a full time job. I've had all kinds of jobs - deli, bakery, gas attendant, driver, auto parts, landscaping, endless retail bullshit, record stores, book stores, trash cleaning, painting, and many more that I don't care to remember. I'll have to save the job thing for another blog.

These days I'd rather slump into the bottle and travel to oblivion. The drive, desire, imagination...it's all gone, or at least hard to see right now. Seems the older I get the less I care. So many people going around taking themselves so seriously and shamelessly promoting...SIGH...I suppose that's the way you gotta do it, but I just can't. I can't go around thinking I'm some kind of special or unique creation and pontificate about it to someone who might, for example, give me a gig somewhere. And ass-kissing doesn't work for me either. It has never been a forte of mine.

Getting back to the matter at hand...I can find balance when I'm working on something creative like composing tunes for a record or writing my movie script, but I also gotta pay the bills - right? Doesn't everyone? (well maybe not everyone) So I get caught up in my desperation to find money. Make money. Figure out money. I have never been able to earn much, but I seem to keep going somehow and I don't live on peanut butter sandwiches anymore. Now it's gourmet ramen noodles - fucking kidding.

My eyes get so tired in front of the computer, but that is where I am most of the time. Most of the work I am able to do requires the computer. Then on my free time I want to work on my script, which also requires the computer and so on.

As for finding the inspiration (I guess that's what it is) I'm really at a loss. The frustration that comes as a result of a restless brain not being used is often painful and downright maddening. I have lost my desire to make records so I don't see that happening anytime soon, but I was working on this film and that was very satisfying, but I haven't been able to touch that script for almost two weeks straight. The more time one spends away from the creative project the more time one will keep spending away. It's like practicing the piano, for instance, I used to practice. Lately I don't give a shit so I don't touch the piano at home anymore. Well, I touch it for like 30 seconds then I remember the circumstances surrounding my professional music experience and the joy just gets fucking sucked right out of there.


I hope to get back to work (and I mean the real work, not the kind that earns me the little bit of dough) soon because I really can't take it anymore...