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Jesus fucking christ I can't seem to conjure up those feelings I used to have. I was a workaholic when it came to my art and creative projects. I used to work around the clock. I put more hours into it then any full time job I ever had...And that was often while working a full time job. I've had all kinds of jobs - deli, bakery, gas attendant, driver, auto parts, landscaping, endless retail bullshit, record stores, book stores, trash cleaning, painting, and many more that I don't care to remember. I'll have to save the job thing for another blog.
These days I'd rather slump into the bottle and travel to oblivion. The drive, desire, imagination...it's all gone, or at least hard to see right now. Seems the older I get the less I care. So many people going around taking themselves so seriously and shamelessly promoting...SIGH...I suppose that's the way you gotta do it, but I just can't. I can't go around thinking I'm some kind of special or unique creation and pontificate about it to someone who might, for example, give me a gig somewhere. And ass-kissing doesn't work for me either. It has never been a forte of mine.
Getting back to the matter at hand...I can find balance when I'm working on something creative like composing tunes for a record or writing my movie script, but I also gotta pay the bills - right? Doesn't everyone? (well maybe not everyone) So I get caught up in my desperation to find money. Make money. Figure out money. I have never been able to earn much, but I seem to keep going somehow and I don't live on peanut butter sandwiches anymore. Now it's gourmet ramen noodles - fucking kidding.
My eyes get so tired in front of the computer, but that is where I am most of the time. Most of the work I am able to do requires the computer. Then on my free time I want to work on my script, which also requires the computer and so on.
As for finding the inspiration (I guess that's what it is) I'm really at a loss. The frustration that comes as a result of a restless brain not being used is often painful and downright maddening. I have lost my desire to make records so I don't see that happening anytime soon, but I was working on this film and that was very satisfying, but I haven't been able to touch that script for almost two weeks straight. The more time one spends away from the creative project the more time one will keep spending away. It's like practicing the piano, for instance, I used to practice. Lately I don't give a shit so I don't touch the piano at home anymore. Well, I touch it for like 30 seconds then I remember the circumstances surrounding my professional music experience and the joy just gets fucking sucked right out of there.
I hope to get back to work (and I mean the real work, not the kind that earns me the little bit of dough) soon because I really can't take it anymore...
Saturday, October 10, 2009
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2 comments:
DON'T WORRY BRO, THIS IS ONE OF MY BIGGEST ARGUMENTS, ITS THATS WHY DO WE LOOK AT OURSELVES AND JUDGE OURSELVES IN THE WESTERN SENSE? U KNOW YOUR WORTH NOTHING IF YOUR DOING NOTHING, EVERYITHING IS BASED ON HOW YOUR EXPLOITING OR BEING EXPLOITED, FUK THAT SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!HOW MUCH ARE U WORTH? FUK THAT!!!!!!!!!!!! I MEAN GODDAMN, I LIVE HEAR ON THE WEST COAST AND U WANT SOME SIRIUS SOCIOPATHIC MASS HYPNOSIS BULLSHIT, I THINK WATTS GOING ON INSIDE IS MORE IMPORTANT, IF UVE ALREADY GOT IT CONCEPTUALIZED, U KNOW TH PARADIGM BREAKING MESSEAGE IN WORDS OR MUSIC, IT WILL GET OUT , THRU U OR THE NEXT PERSON, NO MATTER WATT, MAN TECHNIQUE IS VERY IMPORTANT, ESPECIALLY IF YOUR FLYING TO THE NEXT GALAXY BUT AT THE SAME TIME, I MEAN WE''VE ALREADY BEEN THERE THE'YVE DONE THAT, THATS WHY WHERE HERE, FROM THE FUTURE TO SAY, HEY, JUST BE U KNOW TONGUE IN CHEEK, JUST BE, AND THEN GO KICK SOME SIRIOUS MIND BLOWINT ASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH YEA LISTEN TO SOME RAY CHARLES TOO, IT DOES WONDERS!!!!!!!!!!! OVER AND OUT BRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OH YEA, GET A SIDE PROJECT, TOO, I KNOW IN BETWEEN HUFFIN GASOLINE AND DRINKIN A BOTTLE OF JAK LAST YEAR I WENT THROUGH THIS MUSIC SCORE THE WAY UP BY THE PMG, SEVERAL HUNDRED PAGES AND BARS OF SOME SIRIUS SHIT, AND CHECK OUT LYLES VOICINGS, AND MANUALLY PUT IN EVERY GODDAMN NOTE IN LOGIC, AND THEN WENT OVER IT, AND I STILL SUK!!!!!!!!! AND I STILL GOT TO GO OVER IT CAUSE I KNOW MY READING SKILLS SUK!!!!! ANYWAY, I DID THAT, AND ONE NIGHT I WAS SEEING FUKN GREEN ENERGY EVERYWHERE FLOATING AROUND, I THOUGHT IT WAS THOUGHT ENERGY FROM A GROUP, ANYWAY,
IT DOESN'T MATTER, IM STILL GOIN TO JUMP OFF THAT FUKN BRIDGE, OVER AND OUT BRO.
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