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I don't know what is going on anymore. The days keep blending one to the next. I feel like there is no end in sight and I'm very tired. This vortex I'm in is twisting me into a grotesque, unpleasant figure. I cannot lie anymore! I cannot put on a happy face for everyone. I want to get out of this life but am unsure just how to do it. It is getting so bad that I cannot frequent the places I loved in my neighborhood anymore. In fact, I feel uncomfortable when I do.
I'm tired of people trying to cheer me up.
I'm tired of those people who tell me what to do with my life...Really?? Who the fuck are you?
I'm tired of seeing couples in which the woman has turned the man into a woman.
I'm tired of forced optimism.
I'm tired of "causes" that allow people to feel better about themselves.
I'm tired of the news.
I'm tired of politics.
I'm tired of trying to create art and contribute something beautiful into this filthy world.
I'm tired of all the bad shit that keeps happening to me.
I'm tired of trying to sleep only to be stuck thinking about all that bad shit.
I'm fucking tired...get it?
Now it's off to that horrible nightly chore of trying to sleep...FUCK THIS LIFE
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
A TOUGH YEAR
Well, after passing my recent August birthday I'm once again reevaluating my existence thus far. So I've suffered a great loss by way of a separation from my wife after ten years this year, back near the end of December rolling into 2010, and it has been nothing short of a gigantic mountain to climb. Then months later in July a very dear childhood friend lost his future wife unexpectedly in a tragic sudden death. And yesterday they came to take my piano (also a loss for me) and try to sell it as my dwindling finances continue to place large amounts of pressure on.
In the immediate months following my separation I spent the usual lonely days and nights. Some nights were so bad and sleep was all but non-existent, as was eating. I couldn't do anything. The only thing I had was the empty apartment, a sanctuary that became more and more important. In the sanctuary I was able to sulk, alienate and think to my heart's desire. After some weeks passed I began to distract myself and try to find focus again. I started listening to music all day and night. I had a rather lengthy playlist comprised of the entire RUSH catalog from 1975-1989, SLAYER, METALLICA, IRON MAIDEN, BLACK SABBATH, PINK FLOYD & ZEPPELIN. No words can express how helpful these records have been. I am currently listening to RUSH and SLAYER mostly. The music these bands made over the years have been like a gift, a drug, a friend - Art!
I began to paint my apartment late at night into the early hours of the mornings, after gigs and whatever other obligations I had. I struggled to earn money, spend less and come up with the rent in order to keep my sanctuary. Each week the apartment changed, both physically through painting and emotionally as time passed. Thinking back the immediate months that followed the "bad news" seem like a blur, a dreamlike experience in which time had no relevance to existence. The days still seem like one continuous day. I also began walking every morning for one hour. This has been very good for me.
I began to focus on music again in a very different way than I have for the past decade. I no longer wished to play the Jazz and felt very disconnected from the Jazz community here in NYC. I have zero interest in it anymore. I've been finding new voices with electric keyboards, especially vintage analog synths. Submerged in that world in my sanctuary I was distracting myself, healing my empty soul, filling the void - slowly, but working on it. 9 months later I am still empty and have reached a new low. I expected that and am just trying to go through it.
Then, in the midst of my own personal struggle and still VERY MUCH UNHEALED I began to become exhausted at certain times of the day. One evening after falling asleep on the couch I awoke to my loud ringtone of Post Mortem by Slayer. It was my great friend (J) from childhood with the most disturbing news. He informed me that our other great childhood friend (L) had been deperately trying to reach me, but I slept through all of those Slayer rings (How? I don't know). He quickly gave some details that had me on the phone and getting dressed at the same time. Death was upon us. Our friend (L) needed help, real help - not the bullshit kind that goes on in normal untrue daily life. I got off the phone with J, called L and frantically tried to get him to speak clearly and admit what has happened. His beautiful girlfriend and future wife had collapsed and died suddenly.
I told him to sit tight and I would be right over. I called J while booking a Zipcar and told him I'm picking him up in 15 minutes. Moments later in a surreal stupor I was in the Toyota Prius, driving towards what would become some of the most difficult days of our lives....
TO BE CONTINUED
In the immediate months following my separation I spent the usual lonely days and nights. Some nights were so bad and sleep was all but non-existent, as was eating. I couldn't do anything. The only thing I had was the empty apartment, a sanctuary that became more and more important. In the sanctuary I was able to sulk, alienate and think to my heart's desire. After some weeks passed I began to distract myself and try to find focus again. I started listening to music all day and night. I had a rather lengthy playlist comprised of the entire RUSH catalog from 1975-1989, SLAYER, METALLICA, IRON MAIDEN, BLACK SABBATH, PINK FLOYD & ZEPPELIN. No words can express how helpful these records have been. I am currently listening to RUSH and SLAYER mostly. The music these bands made over the years have been like a gift, a drug, a friend - Art!
I began to paint my apartment late at night into the early hours of the mornings, after gigs and whatever other obligations I had. I struggled to earn money, spend less and come up with the rent in order to keep my sanctuary. Each week the apartment changed, both physically through painting and emotionally as time passed. Thinking back the immediate months that followed the "bad news" seem like a blur, a dreamlike experience in which time had no relevance to existence. The days still seem like one continuous day. I also began walking every morning for one hour. This has been very good for me.
I began to focus on music again in a very different way than I have for the past decade. I no longer wished to play the Jazz and felt very disconnected from the Jazz community here in NYC. I have zero interest in it anymore. I've been finding new voices with electric keyboards, especially vintage analog synths. Submerged in that world in my sanctuary I was distracting myself, healing my empty soul, filling the void - slowly, but working on it. 9 months later I am still empty and have reached a new low. I expected that and am just trying to go through it.
Then, in the midst of my own personal struggle and still VERY MUCH UNHEALED I began to become exhausted at certain times of the day. One evening after falling asleep on the couch I awoke to my loud ringtone of Post Mortem by Slayer. It was my great friend (J) from childhood with the most disturbing news. He informed me that our other great childhood friend (L) had been deperately trying to reach me, but I slept through all of those Slayer rings (How? I don't know). He quickly gave some details that had me on the phone and getting dressed at the same time. Death was upon us. Our friend (L) needed help, real help - not the bullshit kind that goes on in normal untrue daily life. I got off the phone with J, called L and frantically tried to get him to speak clearly and admit what has happened. His beautiful girlfriend and future wife had collapsed and died suddenly.
I told him to sit tight and I would be right over. I called J while booking a Zipcar and told him I'm picking him up in 15 minutes. Moments later in a surreal stupor I was in the Toyota Prius, driving towards what would become some of the most difficult days of our lives....
TO BE CONTINUED
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Monday, July 12, 2010
DESCENT INTO MADNESS
ah, the universe...it expands like my mind into a blackness...a void...burn that spirit...oh yeah, feels good to inhale. where's my vodka? work, work, work and it's time to play...go away u rotten bastards - wear those filp-flops and walk like the fucking sissy-asses that u r! tower it up, yo!
fuck fuck fuck!...where has the creativity gone? no time for that shit, gotta survive and move on. life will catch up wit ya eventually. find the golden treasure that makes a man civilized - good luck!
benny black...gotta make that shit. need to dive into something bigger than myself. oh thank fucking god i've got SLAYER on the iTunes...what excellent music. i keep listening and feelin alright. eat a sandwich...fucking bread and more bread...stupid filler. my body feels tormented by its overfilling nothingness.
give me a film to watch...thank you for that. thank you to those who have been able to get the work out over the years. at least i've got something to think about.
where's my vodka???...i wait for nightfall...i wait for the dark to creep in and give me life. i wait...
fuck fuck fuck!...where has the creativity gone? no time for that shit, gotta survive and move on. life will catch up wit ya eventually. find the golden treasure that makes a man civilized - good luck!
benny black...gotta make that shit. need to dive into something bigger than myself. oh thank fucking god i've got SLAYER on the iTunes...what excellent music. i keep listening and feelin alright. eat a sandwich...fucking bread and more bread...stupid filler. my body feels tormented by its overfilling nothingness.
give me a film to watch...thank you for that. thank you to those who have been able to get the work out over the years. at least i've got something to think about.
where's my vodka???...i wait for nightfall...i wait for the dark to creep in and give me life. i wait...
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
EL CHICO BLANCO TRON SHOW
My electric band El Chico Blanco will be playing a bunch of sets on July 17th at The Cave. It's gonna be an interesting experience and hopefully a crazy party that goes all night. At midnight exactly we will improvise for 96 minutes to the movie TRON from 1982. I'm looking forward and curious what kind of music will be created. We also have a special guest LPS, scratchin with us and he'll even select some samples from an original TRON LP.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
IMPRESSIONS OF PRAGUE
That is the view from the main ballroom in the Hilton Atirum Prague where I am working. Off in the distance is a rail bridge...actually there are two, but the one far off is how arrived by train from Amsterdam last year. That was a very different experience then this year as my life has taken a full 180ยบ turn. Being in Europe this time around has been a large perspective shift for me. Since I met my ex-wife on this continent, there is a complicated set of feelings that accompany my presence here. Now it has a dark side that has been challenging to navigate through, to say the least.Prague is a very beautiful city, with a far more relaxed and civilized atmosphere than New York. Each morning as I have my double cappuccino, deep orange yolk eggs and a cigarette I can't help but long to stay for awhile. I would like to wander the city alone for a time, and maybe meet some locals to party with and talk about life. Of course the Kafka-esque vibes resonate a bit from my younger days, but the way my life is now I don't have too much attachment to any of that. Yes, I love culture and art and all the great things humans do, but I've always been fascinated with the normal daily life of a city's population...To wander out of the tourist zones and absorb the personality of a place. I met an interesting girl on the plane and it would've been nice to spend some time in her Prague. I am here for work (thankfully working) so it is a bit difficult to get any down time away.
The amazing thing is how I don't have much of a desire to go home. Since flying solo in life I'm no longer looking for any obligations or big compromises that often come with a relationship, and my overpriced apartment (although I love my home) back in NY is not very appealing considering the responsibilities I need to maintain. Perhaps I should just let it all fall apart? I suppose I might be able to find a room in the neighborhood where I live, LIC. Is that really worth it anymore? Does any of it matter? One must have larger goals to pursue in this life.
Anyway, back to Prague; The street scenes are nice. Beautiful old buildings line the streets and the laid-back atmosphere certainly puts a different spin on life. Everyone is busy, but not plowing each other over or butting egos in the way that I'm used to. I think my solo life has brought me to a place in which my personal mode of existence hasn't been working in that a satisfactory pursuit of life work still only manages a part-time piece of my days.
I wish I had some more time here. Maybe I should cancel that return ticket and stay for awhile...
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
WHAT HAPPENS
Over time things keep changing. Sometimes that change brings you to a place that is nothing you could have ever prepared for. Constantly asking myself what happened, where did I go wrong, where did things fall apart. It seems that as we move through life different things fall apart. Then we move on to another place.
For me right now, I'm neither here or there...In fact, I feel like I'm not anywhere...
For me right now, I'm neither here or there...In fact, I feel like I'm not anywhere...
Saturday, May 22, 2010
THE LIFE
So it's been awhile since I last posted. I had a good run of feeling very positive about things and thought that perhaps I might really be transcending the darkness. However, these past weeks have been a real challenge for me. Remaining positive and keeping a peaceful balance inside hasn't been on the up. Rather I'm fighting to hold on to the positive energy that I know exists in me because I have been feeling it, and it has lead to external positive opportunities.
I have never had so much music going on in my life. I want to embrace it and enjoy it, but this dark force that has descended upon me has all but sucked the last bit of life out of me. I'll refer to it as a her from this point on. She has drained the positive and brought out the worst in my spirit and soul. She is an evil force - wicked, filthy, and mean. A horrible part of nature and mankind. A stomach-turning infestation of emotion and pain. It has been like no other I've known thus far.
I am not entirely without hope, of course, there is this great organic project that has happened by accident called El Chico Blanco. A peculiar musical force I've never had before. Although for some ears it might be lacking, I find the minimalistic sounds and ideas to be of a very beautiful and harmonious nature. In fact, the more I listen to the roughs from our debut live sessions I find an emotional connection I usually only get from listening to other people's music, not my own. In any case, I am thinking too much about the band as I would like it to just keep moving forward. Forward momentum is the key to growth and maybe prosperity, which is a relative term.
We've got a few cool shows booked and that is what I'm looking most forward to in life right now.
This next month will be a deeply moving time for me and many big decisions will have to be made. I will have to endure the usual anxiety that accompanies that kind of decision making, but I will somehow come out on the other side. I may be covered in ash or mud, but I will emerge in a new way. As we move through the stages of life the underlying philosophies that are personal hold true, but they are not without amendments as experience dictates these alterations. Sometimes feelings can be swayed so far as to reach the realization of never allowing that situation to arise again. It is important to maintain this. To stand your ground at all cost and fight for your true freedom and independence from the shackles that lead you to a most terrible place. A man must not give in to that evil, must understand the nature of things and that the natural law requires unfair treatment.
I say these things and know that deep down in my soul I absolutely must be the dominant force in those situations. My treatment towards the force will no longer be that of equal or full kindness. I will still be kind, as that is at the core of my being and I cannot change that, but I will NOT be self-sacrificing or compromising. I believe that this is the true nature of the relationship between forces in the universe, and that equal pressure only breeds opposition.
I still feel that the Existentialists got it right in many ways. Very modern in the idea that information such as science and technology based future thoughts will never be a means towards a positive future for mankind simply because it is irrelevant to the personal modes and feelings that affect our day to day progress, and progress is a most satisfying feeling.
I will write more soon...
I have never had so much music going on in my life. I want to embrace it and enjoy it, but this dark force that has descended upon me has all but sucked the last bit of life out of me. I'll refer to it as a her from this point on. She has drained the positive and brought out the worst in my spirit and soul. She is an evil force - wicked, filthy, and mean. A horrible part of nature and mankind. A stomach-turning infestation of emotion and pain. It has been like no other I've known thus far.
I am not entirely without hope, of course, there is this great organic project that has happened by accident called El Chico Blanco. A peculiar musical force I've never had before. Although for some ears it might be lacking, I find the minimalistic sounds and ideas to be of a very beautiful and harmonious nature. In fact, the more I listen to the roughs from our debut live sessions I find an emotional connection I usually only get from listening to other people's music, not my own. In any case, I am thinking too much about the band as I would like it to just keep moving forward. Forward momentum is the key to growth and maybe prosperity, which is a relative term.
We've got a few cool shows booked and that is what I'm looking most forward to in life right now.
This next month will be a deeply moving time for me and many big decisions will have to be made. I will have to endure the usual anxiety that accompanies that kind of decision making, but I will somehow come out on the other side. I may be covered in ash or mud, but I will emerge in a new way. As we move through the stages of life the underlying philosophies that are personal hold true, but they are not without amendments as experience dictates these alterations. Sometimes feelings can be swayed so far as to reach the realization of never allowing that situation to arise again. It is important to maintain this. To stand your ground at all cost and fight for your true freedom and independence from the shackles that lead you to a most terrible place. A man must not give in to that evil, must understand the nature of things and that the natural law requires unfair treatment.
I say these things and know that deep down in my soul I absolutely must be the dominant force in those situations. My treatment towards the force will no longer be that of equal or full kindness. I will still be kind, as that is at the core of my being and I cannot change that, but I will NOT be self-sacrificing or compromising. I believe that this is the true nature of the relationship between forces in the universe, and that equal pressure only breeds opposition.
I still feel that the Existentialists got it right in many ways. Very modern in the idea that information such as science and technology based future thoughts will never be a means towards a positive future for mankind simply because it is irrelevant to the personal modes and feelings that affect our day to day progress, and progress is a most satisfying feeling.
I will write more soon...
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
El CHICO BLANCO LAST NIGHT OF RECORDING
Well the last night of live recording for my new band El Chico Blanco was loads of fun. Lots of people came out and I think the vibe for future shows is only growing stronger. I have been nerding out big-time with my keyboard setup and soon there will be more! We've got two shows coming up that I'm really looking forward and hopefully more will be getting booked. My keyboard setup with a Nord Electro 3 and Yamaha PSR 273 plus soon a Casio CTK 3000 and eventually some more cool stuff has been challenging to learn how to drive to say the least.I'm curious to see where this will all go. Music is such an amazing thing!
More to come...
Friday, April 16, 2010
GIGS AND MORE GIGS
Well through all the craziness that is going on in my world right now I'm happy to report that music is keeping it together for me. Since making a decision to really focus on music, which is what I do in this life, I'm beginning to see some improvements. I am slowly booking more gigs and will be playing with Anthony Cekay's quartet at the end of the month...The music of John Coltrane. I've also stepped up my portable rig and will be able and willing to play just about anywhere, and still be able to make great music!
My new project - El Chico Blanco has out first gig outside of the home base Domaine Wine Bar at L.I.C. BAR on June 6th. This band features myself on piano/keys, Anthony (Chico) Riscica on drums, and Geoff Gersh of Blue Man Group on guitars. Geoff and I have been playing music for a very long time and we were in our first band together as teenagers. Chico and I have been making music for a long time as well and have fortunately never had to really talk about it, rather just play it.
I'm looking forward to seeing where this project might go and I think we should hit some jam fests...Anyone out there have any ideas?
In the meantime I have lots of tunes I want to try out with ECB and need to start transcribing from the records so we can Rock!
My new project - El Chico Blanco has out first gig outside of the home base Domaine Wine Bar at L.I.C. BAR on June 6th. This band features myself on piano/keys, Anthony (Chico) Riscica on drums, and Geoff Gersh of Blue Man Group on guitars. Geoff and I have been playing music for a very long time and we were in our first band together as teenagers. Chico and I have been making music for a long time as well and have fortunately never had to really talk about it, rather just play it.
I'm looking forward to seeing where this project might go and I think we should hit some jam fests...Anyone out there have any ideas?
In the meantime I have lots of tunes I want to try out with ECB and need to start transcribing from the records so we can Rock!
Friday, April 2, 2010
LIVE SHOTS
On another note, I'm still fantasizing about upgrading my piano. There are so many high-end pianos that I would love to play on in this town. Soon I will get there. I must remain focused on the music. Music makes my world go around, whether I like it or not - HA!
Monday, March 29, 2010
LIC JAZZ FEST SUCCESS!
This was largely due to Pete Mcnamara's incredible photos of Jazz greats from the late 70s and 80s. Not only are his subjects amazing, but they are just plain beautiful photos!
The roster of musicians, which included J. Walter Hawkes, Christian Coleman, Anthony Cekay, Martin Kelly, Hiromi Suda to name some was very impressive to say the least. I enjoyed all the performances and felt such peace in my day listening to the great music.
Playing in a proper space filled with people listening to every note was unbelievable.
The experience was very inspiring and really has me thinking that the trio needs to get out there! How is the question, of course. There has to be a way. In between struggling to make rent, bills and the practical side of life there must be a solution to this problem. I am determined to figure it out somehow. I would like to do that in 2010 please. Anyone out there that can help??
Today's music event in LIC was a giant cultural contribution to the community and I'm proud to be a part of it and happy that my music was, too.
Here's to many more elegant tidbits of culture that bring peace to one's life and make it just a little bit more interesting and enjoyable, one experience at a time...
steve
march 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
LIC JAZZ FESTIVAL
I am struggling hard right now in my own life, but the music is keeping me going and I'm once again realizing the importance of it all.
Peace to everyone...
Saturday, February 20, 2010
IT WON'T CHANGE A THING
A man must do what is necessary in order to achieve peace and stability. This is something I was not very good at. Is it too late to make a change? Is it too late to gain control over the rest of my life and bring calmness to my inner self, and live a more enjoyable existence? Is it possible to shed some innate negative personality traits and try to look at the half full glass? I believe it is possible and it is not without hard work that can do this. I must work harder. I do not need to feel bad about myself any longer, nor to I need to feel bad about the hand that I have been dealt in this life.
It won't change a thing...
It is time to pursue the reality of my existence. Time to pursue with positive energy what is realistically possible and if something lucky comes along, then that would be great.
I must go now and attempt to figure out the puzzle.
It won't change a thing...
It is time to pursue the reality of my existence. Time to pursue with positive energy what is realistically possible and if something lucky comes along, then that would be great.
I must go now and attempt to figure out the puzzle.
HOLY FUCK!!
How is it these emotions can be such a powerful force?
I cannot sleep
I cannot eat
I cannot focus
I am a warrior who must fight according to my gut.
There is a spiritual awakening, not it the religious sense, but in the metaphysical sense.
Something must be able to work things out.
I cannot sleep
I cannot eat
I cannot focus
I am a warrior who must fight according to my gut.
There is a spiritual awakening, not it the religious sense, but in the metaphysical sense.
Something must be able to work things out.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
EL CHICO BLANCO
Coming soon, El Chico Blanco - A new band that has formed out of the Tuesday night Domaine gig. We are currently mixing an album that was made for Domaine Wine Bar and will begin booking gigs. It is myself on piano/organ/keys, Anthony (Chico) Riscica on drums/percussion, Geoff Gersh on guitars, looping pedals and effects. It is a really cool project that I'm having lots of fun with.
I am looking for cool venues and music festivals and will begin booking once we have a web presence set up. I'm curious where this will go, but for now it's all about having some fun and making some cool music. I hope we can eventually set up a small tour and begin traveling with the band. I hope we can figure this all out and maybe even pick up some help along the way.
Also, I will be directing a music video for one of the new tracks and collaborating with a modern dance choreographer. I can't wait for this! It will be the first time I am finally working with dancers and I'm really looking forward to it.
We hope to be bringing these sounds to you soon!!!
BEAUTIFUL MARS
This pic of Mars took me to a place that seemed so much bigger than the problems of the day or the mundane life experience. It is so beautiful and I'm fascinated by the feeling. I wish it would last. I would love to do a Sci-Fi feature film one day that could encapsulate the total experience of universal feelings with regard to our place in the world, and the beauty that does truly exist in nature...
Monday, February 15, 2010
HERE WE GO
OK, so now it's time for me to really pay the price of pursuing art music. I have been desperately trying to find a job. Even when I do, I won't be able to pay for the apartment I'm in and so will have to sell my piano and move out...Possibly of the neighborhood. My marriage is coming to an end, and I now find myself with absolutely no resources. The debt I have accumulated (largely as a result of investing into my music career) is now going to fuck me in the ass. There is absolutely no way I can afford all of this to come crashing down on me at once. I have zero prospects and the only job I will be able to land probably won't pay more than $10 per hour.
No, I am in big big trouble here. I am trying very hard not to kick myself for pursuing music, for getting married, or for buying a goddam piano. I don't know what i was thinking.
This is going to be a long road. I am not looking forward to the rest of my life. Maybe it is really time to consider checking out...
No, I am in big big trouble here. I am trying very hard not to kick myself for pursuing music, for getting married, or for buying a goddam piano. I don't know what i was thinking.
This is going to be a long road. I am not looking forward to the rest of my life. Maybe it is really time to consider checking out...
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
MUSIC MUSIC
Well, I almost quit music entirely again. Once you've hit rock-bottom it is challenging to distinguish good and evil. I think I'm realizing that music is an amazing thing, and that it presents itself in many forms. I am now feeling that I should pursue whatever kinds of music I enjoy at a particular moment in my life. Labels don't work well for me so I have to accept my sort of broadly focused vision of creative things.
At the core I am a Jazz musician (whatever that means), which I suppose has much to do with improvising. It is something that has always come natural to me so I never gave it much thought. Working on this current duo record with Tony (Chico) Risicica has been loads of fun considering how much of the material is just made up out of thin air. Like how Keith Jarrett created such beautiful, dynamic and peaceful music in Koln back in the 70's, I enjoy giving myself a concert. Can you blame me? It's funny how that made-up music often becomes my favorite and I wouldn't put this new record in the Jazz category either. More like an instrumental Rock/Chillout album.
Anyway, the beautiful thing about music for me has been all the incredible people I've met because of it, including my wife! As I get older and think about my musical life thus far I am realizing that I can pretty much play or learn any kind of music, and that I may not be touring or famous, but I am quietly providing music for people as they take a break from the stresses of life. Music into the night that makes for a richer experience and vibe. Music that will be there long after I'm gone.
Perhaps if I focused on one thing and one thing only I might be able to make a better name for myself, but I can't. I love too many things in the world so sue me....
At the core I am a Jazz musician (whatever that means), which I suppose has much to do with improvising. It is something that has always come natural to me so I never gave it much thought. Working on this current duo record with Tony (Chico) Risicica has been loads of fun considering how much of the material is just made up out of thin air. Like how Keith Jarrett created such beautiful, dynamic and peaceful music in Koln back in the 70's, I enjoy giving myself a concert. Can you blame me? It's funny how that made-up music often becomes my favorite and I wouldn't put this new record in the Jazz category either. More like an instrumental Rock/Chillout album.
Anyway, the beautiful thing about music for me has been all the incredible people I've met because of it, including my wife! As I get older and think about my musical life thus far I am realizing that I can pretty much play or learn any kind of music, and that I may not be touring or famous, but I am quietly providing music for people as they take a break from the stresses of life. Music into the night that makes for a richer experience and vibe. Music that will be there long after I'm gone.
Perhaps if I focused on one thing and one thing only I might be able to make a better name for myself, but I can't. I love too many things in the world so sue me....
RENEWAL
Renewal is not something to be taken lightly. In this life we go through the struggles of maintaining some sort of balance between working and living. With my marriage in jeopardy for the past months it is about time I woke up and kicked my own ass. I was feeling sorry for myself and had deflated my being. I am now trying to focus on the things I CAN do.
I haven't been able to earn much money since focusing all my energies on piano and creative stuff. Now I am looking for a job as well as gigs. Fortunately I just landed two new very nice gigs in midtown for some nice people. I play every Wednesday at Parnell's on 53rd and 1st with Adrob on the bass. Great relaxed vibe and really good people. I'm also about to begin a gig at Opia on 57th and Lex, which is real cool spot and I hope some people will come out to it.
I'm also mixing my new duo chillout record that is for Domaine wine bar. It is a joint effort with Anthony (Chico) Riscica plus a few guests, and the brainchild of Pascal and Robert - my good friends and owners of Domaine Wine Bar. We spent three long-ass days in the studio and the results are pretty cool.
Anyway, my depression almost completely took out my life and now I have to work very hard to get things back...Especially the important things like my marriage and personal life. Don't know if it's too late, but I'm going to try my hardest.
That's my note for tonight. Tomorrow another day of mixing then the gig...
I haven't been able to earn much money since focusing all my energies on piano and creative stuff. Now I am looking for a job as well as gigs. Fortunately I just landed two new very nice gigs in midtown for some nice people. I play every Wednesday at Parnell's on 53rd and 1st with Adrob on the bass. Great relaxed vibe and really good people. I'm also about to begin a gig at Opia on 57th and Lex, which is real cool spot and I hope some people will come out to it.
I'm also mixing my new duo chillout record that is for Domaine wine bar. It is a joint effort with Anthony (Chico) Riscica plus a few guests, and the brainchild of Pascal and Robert - my good friends and owners of Domaine Wine Bar. We spent three long-ass days in the studio and the results are pretty cool.
Anyway, my depression almost completely took out my life and now I have to work very hard to get things back...Especially the important things like my marriage and personal life. Don't know if it's too late, but I'm going to try my hardest.
That's my note for tonight. Tomorrow another day of mixing then the gig...
Thursday, February 4, 2010
BACK FROM...
...A new weekly gig I started up on Wednesdays with good friend Adrob playin bass. Met some nice people over there. Classy neighborhood where people read the New Yorker and such. The owner and staff are so nice and I get treated way better than I deserve.
On another note, I have never been feeling worse. The blackness is worsening. I think I need to leave society. I cannot deal with it anymore. I have no more desire to socialize. My personal life is falling apart and I feel everything closing in around me. I have no desire to do anything. All those beautiful things I once longed to pursue mean nothing to me anymore. I am detached from friends, completely detached from what little family I have and get NO enjoyment from anything. I barely even enjoy getting wasted anymore. I used to have drive, strong will, and a genuine desire to accomplish honest things through some type of creative endeavor. None of it is exciting anymore. I've been beat down and I guess it may seem like a cop out to most, but the hell I'm in is something I don't wish upon anyone.
I don't know what to do but evil horrible thoughts prevail 24 hours a day and it is frightening. Anxiety is suffocating. Filthy black vile floats around in my brain. Pounding thunderous evil demons possess me. I don't remember who the fuck I am anymore...
On another note, I have never been feeling worse. The blackness is worsening. I think I need to leave society. I cannot deal with it anymore. I have no more desire to socialize. My personal life is falling apart and I feel everything closing in around me. I have no desire to do anything. All those beautiful things I once longed to pursue mean nothing to me anymore. I am detached from friends, completely detached from what little family I have and get NO enjoyment from anything. I barely even enjoy getting wasted anymore. I used to have drive, strong will, and a genuine desire to accomplish honest things through some type of creative endeavor. None of it is exciting anymore. I've been beat down and I guess it may seem like a cop out to most, but the hell I'm in is something I don't wish upon anyone.
I don't know what to do but evil horrible thoughts prevail 24 hours a day and it is frightening. Anxiety is suffocating. Filthy black vile floats around in my brain. Pounding thunderous evil demons possess me. I don't remember who the fuck I am anymore...
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
WAVES
Well, I thought I was doing alright. After a tough three days in the studio I am feeling pretty down again. I wonder if I am experiencing those Jungian symbolic feelings of predicting my own death. I am 36, but feel much much older. All those dark secrets of human nature roll around in my head and put me in a spin. My detachment of things and inability to enjoy anything isn't making anything easier. My energy level is extremely low. We did get some good stuff tracked - I think.
Perhaps it is just the process of doing work and then having nothing. Maybe it is part of how creativity forms in the psyche.
Whichever it is I am certainly at a loss, not only of identity, but the most frightening of all...my own personal taste; I don't value my own opinion anymore. I have been told so often (by way of constant drilling and sledgehammering) what is quality and what isn't that I can no longer put up the fight. Actually, it isn't even about fighting so much as I must me missing something. I must have some genetic malfunction.
AND NOW FOR THE POSITIVE STEVE!!....oh, wait...nope...nope....nothing.....
Perhaps it is just the process of doing work and then having nothing. Maybe it is part of how creativity forms in the psyche.
Whichever it is I am certainly at a loss, not only of identity, but the most frightening of all...my own personal taste; I don't value my own opinion anymore. I have been told so often (by way of constant drilling and sledgehammering) what is quality and what isn't that I can no longer put up the fight. Actually, it isn't even about fighting so much as I must me missing something. I must have some genetic malfunction.
AND NOW FOR THE POSITIVE STEVE!!....oh, wait...nope...nope....nothing.....
Monday, February 1, 2010
ANOTHER RECORD
Been in the studio hardcore and going in for day three of tracking. Feel pretty burned out, but whatever. I think we're getting some good stuff, but never sure until after it's all finished. It would be nice if I could earn some money from this shit one day...
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
LIVE AT DOMAINE
Played at Domaine Wine Bar in L.I.C. Queens (my hood) last night with Chico on drums and old friend Geoff Gersh on guitars and effects. Was fucking awesome and gonna have him put some tracks down on the Domaine album that Chico and I are doing.
PLAYIN'
Played the Edible Queens Magazine Winter Warm Up with Adrob & Chico. Was a chill gig, but I had a bad cold. It was at the L-Haus in L.I.C. NY and it brought together some interesting food folks from many shops and restaurants in the area.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
SEARCHING FOR THE WORK
But the work can't be found! That's what my brain keeps saying to me. I'm supposed to be working on a creative project instead of fucking around, working jobs and eating. That's not how I operate. I used to work around the clock on creative things. Now it seems like I'm a vegetable or automaton, if you will. Maybe I'm a fucking ZOMBIE! In fact, I think I've become a zombie. Like those mindless masses of pulpy flesh-eating fantoms in that fantastically famous film by George Romero.
We'll see how tomorrow goes. This internet is radiating through my skull and creating a gelatinous mess out of what's left of my mind...
Good night.
We'll see how tomorrow goes. This internet is radiating through my skull and creating a gelatinous mess out of what's left of my mind...
Good night.
Monday, January 18, 2010
THERE IS A DIFFERENCE
Some recent conversations I've had about music have got me a bit frustrated and I'd like to clear up my opinion and where I stand on the subject of music in the 21st century.
Now I am a musician. I have been a Rock, Metal, Punk, Hardcore, Hip Hop, and Pop musician or what I prefer to put into the POPULAR category, because really there's no argument that all of that music is infinitely more popular than the rest I've been a part of. What is underground in those communities is like a stadium show for the rest. I love much of that music, although Metal has a special place in my heart for some reason.
So here's the thing:
I meet many musicians and when the subject of Jazz comes up I hear all kinds of remarks immediately...Snickering and disses and such. It's pretentious or egotistical and shit like that. This could not be further from the truth! In fact, I find it to be the exact opposite. While many musicians are good at what they do, I have been on both sides and have to say that unless you have gone through the ride to play Jazz, unless you've made the sacrifices, endured the mental and physical challenges, reached for that place in your brain where you hear something but can't articulate it and strive to do so in order to better communicate a larger feeling, in order to challenge the ear and mind of those you wish to communicate with, played all the nastiest, filthiest gigs for the most mundane and mediocre simpletons, destroyed your personal life, health and lifestyle just so you can play this great music, endured the popular Jazz community who blacklists you, rejects you, and tells the media and population what is Jazz, have to listen to countless mediocre conversations about music that has nothing to do with what you do just because people know you are a musician, tell me to listen to all those albums I've already listened to a thousand times, I've listened to all of that plus so much more that those same people telling me what to listen to will NEVER listen to. played thousands of gigs in every conceivable setting of almost every kind of style of music, studied the history of the whole of music - the great spiritual music that comes from all the cultures around the world and not some rip off with a beat thrown into it...i mean some deep shit here...music that is life, that is connection, that is spiritual in its own way, the metaphysical way but not the religious way...something that rises out of the ashes and lifts up mankind...something beautiful...something lost and swallowed up by the barbaric forces of evil human universal law...
WELL THEN DON'T TELL ME WHAT IS JAZZ OR WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE A JAZZ MUSICIAN....
I don't go around telling you what you do...
Peace,
-Steve
Now I am a musician. I have been a Rock, Metal, Punk, Hardcore, Hip Hop, and Pop musician or what I prefer to put into the POPULAR category, because really there's no argument that all of that music is infinitely more popular than the rest I've been a part of. What is underground in those communities is like a stadium show for the rest. I love much of that music, although Metal has a special place in my heart for some reason.
So here's the thing:
I meet many musicians and when the subject of Jazz comes up I hear all kinds of remarks immediately...Snickering and disses and such. It's pretentious or egotistical and shit like that. This could not be further from the truth! In fact, I find it to be the exact opposite. While many musicians are good at what they do, I have been on both sides and have to say that unless you have gone through the ride to play Jazz, unless you've made the sacrifices, endured the mental and physical challenges, reached for that place in your brain where you hear something but can't articulate it and strive to do so in order to better communicate a larger feeling, in order to challenge the ear and mind of those you wish to communicate with, played all the nastiest, filthiest gigs for the most mundane and mediocre simpletons, destroyed your personal life, health and lifestyle just so you can play this great music, endured the popular Jazz community who blacklists you, rejects you, and tells the media and population what is Jazz, have to listen to countless mediocre conversations about music that has nothing to do with what you do just because people know you are a musician, tell me to listen to all those albums I've already listened to a thousand times, I've listened to all of that plus so much more that those same people telling me what to listen to will NEVER listen to. played thousands of gigs in every conceivable setting of almost every kind of style of music, studied the history of the whole of music - the great spiritual music that comes from all the cultures around the world and not some rip off with a beat thrown into it...i mean some deep shit here...music that is life, that is connection, that is spiritual in its own way, the metaphysical way but not the religious way...something that rises out of the ashes and lifts up mankind...something beautiful...something lost and swallowed up by the barbaric forces of evil human universal law...
WELL THEN DON'T TELL ME WHAT IS JAZZ OR WHAT IT IS LIKE TO BE A JAZZ MUSICIAN....
I don't go around telling you what you do...
Peace,
-Steve
Thursday, January 7, 2010
AHH YES
Anything, anything would be better than this agony of mind, this creeping pain that gnaws and fumbles and caresses one and never hurts quite enough...
Jean-Paul Sartre
Jean-Paul Sartre
Sunday, January 3, 2010
2010
Feeling worse than ever. Not sure what is going on, but things seem to be closing in on me. It is the most awful dread in my soul and blackness is everywhere. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up. My script is once again a big mess. Finances are total shit and my personal life is in shambles. Questions of who am I and what is going on. I'm at a loss.
I'm hoping to find solace in my script if only I can get over this scatterbrain idea drought. My imagination is all washed up.
That fucking music thing pops up from time to time. How could I have been so stupid? I still can't believe I dedicated my life to it.
2010 will be my 37th year and I still have nothing. While there are twenty year olds out there who think the fucking world of themselves and spewing the most disgusting happiness on all of the social networks...and getting much success. I will have to shoot myself before I can succumb to that simpleton dribble.
No, this man is on his way down. The nervous system will eventually fail without any dreams to live for. I'll be reduced to a lifeless mass of pulp because if the dreams dies so does the soul...
I'm hoping to find solace in my script if only I can get over this scatterbrain idea drought. My imagination is all washed up.
That fucking music thing pops up from time to time. How could I have been so stupid? I still can't believe I dedicated my life to it.
2010 will be my 37th year and I still have nothing. While there are twenty year olds out there who think the fucking world of themselves and spewing the most disgusting happiness on all of the social networks...and getting much success. I will have to shoot myself before I can succumb to that simpleton dribble.
No, this man is on his way down. The nervous system will eventually fail without any dreams to live for. I'll be reduced to a lifeless mass of pulp because if the dreams dies so does the soul...
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