IT WON'T CHANGE A THING

A man must do what is necessary in order to achieve peace and stability. This is something I was not very good at. Is it too late to make a change? Is it too late to gain control over the rest of my life and bring calmness to my inner self, and live a more enjoyable existence? Is it possible to shed some innate negative personality traits and try to look at the half full glass? I believe it is possible and it is not without hard work that can do this. I must work harder. I do not need to feel bad about myself any longer, nor to I need to feel bad about the hand that I have been dealt in this life.

It won't change a thing...

It is time to pursue the reality of my existence. Time to pursue with positive energy what is realistically possible and if something lucky comes along, then that would be great.

I must go now and attempt to figure out the puzzle.

HOLY FUCK!!

How is it these emotions can be such a powerful force?

I cannot sleep

I cannot eat

I cannot focus

I am a warrior who must fight according to my gut.

There is a spiritual awakening, not it the religious sense, but in the metaphysical sense.

Something must be able to work things out.

EL CHICO BLANCO

Coming soon, El Chico Blanco - A new band that has formed out of the Tuesday night Domaine gig. We are currently mixing an album that was made for Domaine Wine Bar and will begin booking gigs. It is myself on piano/organ/keys, Anthony (Chico) Riscica on drums/percussion, Geoff Gersh on guitars, looping pedals and effects. It is a really cool project that I'm having lots of fun with.

I am looking for cool venues and music festivals and will begin booking once we have a web presence set up. I'm curious where this will go, but for now it's all about having some fun and making some cool music. I hope we can eventually set up a small tour and begin traveling with the band. I hope we can figure this all out and maybe even pick up some help along the way.

Also, I will be directing a music video for one of the new tracks and collaborating with a modern dance choreographer. I can't wait for this! It will be the first time I am finally working with dancers and I'm really looking forward to it.

We hope to be bringing these sounds to you soon!!!

BEAUTIFUL MARS

This pic of Mars took me to a place that seemed so much bigger than the problems of the day or the mundane life experience. It is so beautiful and I'm fascinated by the feeling. I wish it would last. I would love to do a Sci-Fi feature film one day that could encapsulate the total experience of universal feelings with regard to our place in the world, and the beauty that does truly exist in nature...

HERE WE GO

OK, so now it's time for me to really pay the price of pursuing art music. I have been desperately trying to find a job. Even when I do, I won't be able to pay for the apartment I'm in and so will have to sell my piano and move out...Possibly of the neighborhood. My marriage is coming to an end, and I now find myself with absolutely no resources. The debt I have accumulated (largely as a result of investing into my music career) is now going to fuck me in the ass. There is absolutely no way I can afford all of this to come crashing down on me at once. I have zero prospects and the only job I will be able to land probably won't pay more than $10 per hour.

No, I am in big big trouble here. I am trying very hard not to kick myself for pursuing music, for getting married, or for buying a goddam piano. I don't know what i was thinking.

This is going to be a long road. I am not looking forward to the rest of my life. Maybe it is really time to consider checking out...

MUSIC MUSIC

Well, I almost quit music entirely again. Once you've hit rock-bottom it is challenging to distinguish good and evil. I think I'm realizing that music is an amazing thing, and that it presents itself in many forms. I am now feeling that I should pursue whatever kinds of music I enjoy at a particular moment in my life. Labels don't work well for me so I have to accept my sort of broadly focused vision of creative things.

At the core I am a Jazz musician (whatever that means), which I suppose has much to do with improvising. It is something that has always come natural to me so I never gave it much thought. Working on this current duo record with Tony (Chico) Risicica has been loads of fun considering how much of the material is just made up out of thin air. Like how Keith Jarrett created such beautiful, dynamic and peaceful music in Koln back in the 70's, I enjoy giving myself a concert. Can you blame me? It's funny how that made-up music often becomes my favorite and I wouldn't put this new record in the Jazz category either. More like an instrumental Rock/Chillout album.

Anyway, the beautiful thing about music for me has been all the incredible people I've met because of it, including my wife! As I get older and think about my musical life thus far I am realizing that I can pretty much play or learn any kind of music, and that I may not be touring or famous, but I am quietly providing music for people as they take a break from the stresses of life. Music into the night that makes for a richer experience and vibe. Music that will be there long after I'm gone.

Perhaps if I focused on one thing and one thing only I might be able to make a better name for myself, but I can't. I love too many things in the world so sue me....

RENEWAL

Renewal is not something to be taken lightly. In this life we go through the struggles of maintaining some sort of balance between working and living. With my marriage in jeopardy for the past months it is about time I woke up and kicked my own ass. I was feeling sorry for myself and had deflated my being. I am now trying to focus on the things I CAN do.

I haven't been able to earn much money since focusing all my energies on piano and creative stuff. Now I am looking for a job as well as gigs. Fortunately I just landed two new very nice gigs in midtown for some nice people. I play every Wednesday at Parnell's on 53rd and 1st with Adrob on the bass. Great relaxed vibe and really good people. I'm also about to begin a gig at Opia on 57th and Lex, which is real cool spot and I hope some people will come out to it.

I'm also mixing my new duo chillout record that is for Domaine wine bar. It is a joint effort with Anthony (Chico) Riscica plus a few guests, and the brainchild of Pascal and Robert - my good friends and owners of Domaine Wine Bar. We spent three long-ass days in the studio and the results are pretty cool.

Anyway, my depression almost completely took out my life and now I have to work very hard to get things back...Especially the important things like my marriage and personal life. Don't know if it's too late, but I'm going to try my hardest.

That's my note for tonight. Tomorrow another day of mixing then the gig...

BACK FROM...

...A new weekly gig I started up on Wednesdays with good friend Adrob playin bass. Met some nice people over there. Classy neighborhood where people read the New Yorker and such. The owner and staff are so nice and I get treated way better than I deserve.

On another note, I have never been feeling worse. The blackness is worsening. I think I need to leave society. I cannot deal with it anymore. I have no more desire to socialize. My personal life is falling apart and I feel everything closing in around me. I have no desire to do anything. All those beautiful things I once longed to pursue mean nothing to me anymore. I am detached from friends, completely detached from what little family I have and get NO enjoyment from anything. I barely even enjoy getting wasted anymore. I used to have drive, strong will, and a genuine desire to accomplish honest things through some type of creative endeavor. None of it is exciting anymore. I've been beat down and I guess it may seem like a cop out to most, but the hell I'm in is something I don't wish upon anyone.

I don't know what to do but evil horrible thoughts prevail 24 hours a day and it is frightening. Anxiety is suffocating. Filthy black vile floats around in my brain. Pounding thunderous evil demons possess me. I don't remember who the fuck I am anymore...

WAVES

Well, I thought I was doing alright. After a tough three days in the studio I am feeling pretty down again. I wonder if I am experiencing those Jungian symbolic feelings of predicting my own death. I am 36, but feel much much older. All those dark secrets of human nature roll around in my head and put me in a spin. My detachment of things and inability to enjoy anything isn't making anything easier. My energy level is extremely low. We did get some good stuff tracked - I think.

Perhaps it is just the process of doing work and then having nothing. Maybe it is part of how creativity forms in the psyche.

Whichever it is I am certainly at a loss, not only of identity, but the most frightening of all...my own personal taste; I don't value my own opinion anymore. I have been told so often (by way of constant drilling and sledgehammering) what is quality and what isn't that I can no longer put up the fight. Actually, it isn't even about fighting so much as I must me missing something. I must have some genetic malfunction.

AND NOW FOR THE POSITIVE STEVE!!....oh, wait...nope...nope....nothing.....

ANOTHER RECORD

Been in the studio hardcore and going in for day three of tracking. Feel pretty burned out, but whatever. I think we're getting some good stuff, but never sure until after it's all finished. It would be nice if I could earn some money from this shit one day...