A TOUGH YEAR

Well, after passing my recent August birthday I'm once again reevaluating my existence thus far. So I've suffered a great loss by way of a separation from my wife after ten years this year, back near the end of December rolling into 2010, and it has been nothing short of a gigantic mountain to climb. Then months later in July a very dear childhood friend lost his future wife unexpectedly in a tragic sudden death. And yesterday they came to take my piano (also a loss for me) and try to sell it as my dwindling finances continue to place large amounts of pressure on.

In the immediate months following my separation I spent the usual lonely days and nights. Some nights were so bad and sleep was all but non-existent, as was eating. I couldn't do anything. The only thing I had was the empty apartment, a sanctuary that became more and more important. In the sanctuary I was able to sulk, alienate and think to my heart's desire. After some weeks passed I began to distract myself and try to find focus again. I started listening to music all day and night. I had a rather lengthy playlist comprised of the entire RUSH catalog from 1975-1989, SLAYER, METALLICA, IRON MAIDEN, BLACK SABBATH, PINK FLOYD & ZEPPELIN. No words can express how helpful these records have been. I am currently listening to RUSH and SLAYER mostly. The music these bands made over the years have been like a gift, a drug, a friend - Art!

I began to paint my apartment late at night into the early hours of the mornings, after gigs and whatever other obligations I had. I struggled to earn money, spend less and come up with the rent in order to keep my sanctuary. Each week the apartment changed, both physically through painting and emotionally as time passed. Thinking back the immediate months that followed the "bad news" seem like a blur, a dreamlike experience in which time had no relevance to existence. The days still seem like one continuous day. I also began walking every morning for one hour. This has been very good for me.

I began to focus on music again in a very different way than I have for the past decade. I no longer wished to play the Jazz and felt very disconnected from the Jazz community here in NYC. I have zero interest in it anymore. I've been finding new voices with electric keyboards, especially vintage analog synths. Submerged in that world in my sanctuary I was distracting myself, healing my empty soul, filling the void - slowly, but working on it. 9 months later I am still empty and have reached a new low. I expected that and am just trying to go through it.

Then, in the midst of my own personal struggle and still VERY MUCH UNHEALED I began to become exhausted at certain times of the day. One evening after falling asleep on the couch I awoke to my loud ringtone of Post Mortem by Slayer. It was my great friend (J) from childhood with the most disturbing news. He informed me that our other great childhood friend (L) had been deperately trying to reach me, but I slept through all of those Slayer rings (How? I don't know). He quickly gave some details that had me on the phone and getting dressed at the same time. Death was upon us. Our friend (L) needed help, real help - not the bullshit kind that goes on in normal untrue daily life. I got off the phone with J, called L and frantically tried to get him to speak clearly and admit what has happened. His beautiful girlfriend and future wife had collapsed and died suddenly.

I told him to sit tight and I would be right over. I called J while booking a Zipcar and told him I'm picking him up in 15 minutes. Moments later in a surreal stupor I was in the Toyota Prius, driving towards what would become some of the most difficult days of our lives....

TO BE CONTINUED