FADE OUT

Been some time since my last post...

Looking back on the past 15 years of pursuing the piano there lies a set of complex feelings with regard to my relationship to it all. It is apparent that the guilt I have for relinquishing myself from musical endeavors will always haunt me. I am at a loss. Actually, many things have been lost these past two years and it is unfortunate that in some way the promise I made to myself at age 23 (when I began to learn piano) to pursue music in a singular and focused manner at all cost has finally been broken. It took the destruction of my personal life to shake me out of that near-fatal trance I was in. The spell of occupying the mind with creativity, expression and communication has finally been lifted.

-BREATHE!!!!.....AHHHHHHH!!!!-SIGH...

New directions, new beginnings, new stages of this undoubtedly crazy life cycle. As I push forward as an entrepreneur making food, I hope that one day I will be able to work on music again. Perhaps I can figure something out. Something that may apply to whatever stage I'll be in at that time. Some new way of being creative. Have I failed? This I cannot answer. I did become the starving piano player I always envisioned myself as, making my quiet art with the hope of making a connection with some people. So I suppose this is the success as how it relates to my personal mode of reference. Though time and space may have all but swallowed me up, and taken my drive and passion away in that particular arena that I painstakingly dedicated my soul to, I can find stimulation in other things. To be productive is still important to me so I see that as a healthy attribute of mind and body.

Post void life can be challenging and exhausting. It is a constant shift between half empty and half full. Staring at my Juno-6 I hear sounds. I hear music. I cannot erase it. It is traveling in the universe and I am a vehicle for which it may pass. It is not a hobby, but it is certainly NO FUCKING LIVING. So I have been created without the proper tools to make it so. One must utilize the resources one has and go with it. If something hasn't worked and you've given it a very mighty effort then perhaps the universe did have a direction change in its chaotic order. Indeed mathematics tells the story of the universe, but in a soulless way. It is only our minds and hearts that can contribute that. And I have done just that in my little way. I managed to barely squeeze out a few records of my music with the help of the greatest musicians I will ever know. I somehow managed to squeeze out some short films, too.

In the midst of the downward struggle I SHIT out some art.

Something was documented that pertains to my life in a personal way. What it is I don't know. I do know that I have absolutely no idea what is going on. I don't know much about anything. I wake up and enjoy my Sweetleaf and that is something I did not understand fully. Still, the nights do come that seem cavernous. As I make my way through the abyss my senses seem to fall away. Is darkness almighty? Are there no torches for me to find my way?

The creative process has always been a challenging path, but an honest and noble one. This honesty is what I strive for in this life. To find truth in being...just being. As I continue to refine myself based on the culmination of all experiences leading up to whatever present point I'm at I see no alternative for a positive future without truth, as so it pertains to my reference point at that given moment. With deception will come angst and rotten filth then eventually loss. How does one maintain such a path? For me I did have constant force that was the music. It kept me together when all seemed lost and broken. There is proof that excruciating hard work does have its merits. In my case that merit appears in the form of a truth in what I do. Working on the music in such a way, for so long (25 years) placed me in a space I never thought possible. From a creative standpoint it was amazing. Unfortunately, from a perspective of practical application in life and its challenges I found only dead ends and concrete walls.

There were some moments of total bliss...And some moments of complete suffocation .